“I’ve missed you.” Those months I had believed her dead had been the worst of my life. Being married to Rían hadn’t helped either.
She squeezed me tighter. “I’ve missed you too, sister.”
“Can you promise me one thing? That no matter what happens, we will still make time for this.” I could get through anything as long as Aveen remained by my side.
“I promise,” she murmured.
My lashes drifted closed, and I let the dreams flirting at the edge of my mind consume me.
Dreams of a green dress, snow-white flowers, and an emerald-eyed prince waiting for me at the end of a long, petal-strewn aisle.
32
TADHG
You don’t need a drink.
You want a drink.
There’s a difference.
At least, that was what I’d been telling myself every single time I felt like shifting a feckin’ bottle or flask. Even when Keelynn was cursed, life hadn’t felt this dire. Probably because she hadn’t chosen to be apart from me. Fate and Fiadh had taken her away back then. Now, my own weakness had driven her from my side.
My fingers caught on tangled strands when I dragged my trembling hands through my hair. I usually didn’t mind stains on my clothes, but this morning they smelled particularly foul, courtesy of my son. I stripped down and shifted a bath in front of the empty fireplace. The tense muscles in my body slowly uncoiled as the steaming water closed over me.
If Keelynn were here, I’d have invited her to join me.
I sank until the water lapped at my earlobes, then slid deeper still, holding my breath as I slipped beneath the surface. Surrounded by blessed silence, I thought of all I’d been given: forgiveness, freedom, love…and all I had lost. My lungs began to burn for air, and yet I felt no need to rise up and claim a breath.
Since I couldn’t drown myself with drink, maybe I’d drown myself in this tub instead.
Except I couldn’t risk taking too long coming back and leaving Brogan here on his own.
Reluctantly, I pushed to the surface. Droplets cascaded into my eyes, and I shoved my sopping hair back from my forehead. Even my bones felt tired, as if exhaustion had burrowed into my marrow. My head fell back against the smooth porcelain. When my eyes closed, I could do nothing to stop them.
How could I have hoped to hold a woman like Keelynn when I couldn’t hold my own shite together? Why would any woman want to tie herself to a man without control over his own body? Who had failed to keep his people safe time and again? I might not have been burdened by my own curses any longer, but my land continued to suffer. And here I was lying around, doing nothing about the blight that surrounded the castle on all sides.
I’d tried everything I could think of, but that didn’t mean I should give up.
And ever since Anwen had handed over my son, that was what I’d done.
Those pooka who had questioned my priorities had been right. Not about my relationship with Keelynn but about my own shortcomings. I should’ve dedicated myself to stopping this blight instead of spiraling into darkness.
I rose from the water and shifted a towel. Once I dressed, I popped into Brogan’s room to ensure he still slumbered. He looked so peaceful, angelic even, lying on the small mattress inside the white cot. So tiny and helpless. So innocent.
The thought of my son growing up in such a dangerous world left my soul aching. My own childhood, while riddled with plenty of trouble, had been a happy one. I’d had a mother who loved me. My father had been a bit of a bastard, but he’d been there for me when I needed him. I’d had Ruairi and Rían… A smile found my lips. The mischief the three of us used to get into.
If I didn’t find some way to stop this blight, Brogan may never know that kind of peace.
I wanted to make Tearmann the sanctuary it once was, not only for my son but for all the Danú—and the humans they loved. But I couldn’t do any of that from inside the safety of these walls.
It was time—beyond time—to fix this. To stop at nothing until every section of blackened earth had been banished back to the Forest from whence it came.
I evanesced down to the courtyard and crossed beneath the warded gates. I couldn’t go far in case my son needed me, but I had to trysomething. For what felt like the hundredth time, I knelt next to the blackened ground and pressed both hands to the dry earth. My palms began to warm as I called on my magic.
The more magic I sent, the darker the soil became, as if the shadows living inside me were bleeding into the ground. My arms began to tremble, and yet I did not falter.
Eava’s soft voice drifted to my ears. “Yer giving too much.”