He blinks at me. “I know. I mean, I can’t remember what happened, but when I woke up, I was never worried I did anything with Kailani. I was worried I got drunk and made a move on you.”
I stare at him in confusion. “What?”
“Landon…” His face flushes. “I’ve had a thing for you since freshman year. I’m gay, bro.”
The moisture in my throat evaporates, and I’m at a loss for words. At first, I think he’s just screwing with me. I would never have thought… there would have been some clue, surely. But when I look at his face, the torment in his eyes is so undeniable, I wonder how I didn’t notice it before. Is this why he was so angry with me? Because I couldn’t see the truth right in front of me?
“You’re gay?” I repeat his statement back to him.
“Yes.” He swallows. “And I know you aren’t. I understand this doesn’t change anything between us, but I had to tell you. I can’t keep it in anymore, and I don’t want to. That night after the party when you punched me, I thought it was because I must have said something to you when I was drunk. It never occurred to me until you mentioned Kailani that it was because you thought I’d done something with her. You were jealous of me, and the entire time I was jealous of her. She was the only one who ever had your attention.”
When he finally spits out his confession, he looks so hurt I can’t help feeling like the world’s biggest dickhead. I’ve been a shitty friend. So absorbed in my own problems and petty jealousy that I never considered any other alternative. I thought he hooked up with Kail that night, and I hated him for it. All this time, he’s been tormented because he couldn’t tell me the truth.
He dips his head. “I understand things are probably weird now. I should have told you a long time ago. If you don’t want to hang out anymore, I get it.”
“Carson.”
His eyes snap to mine.
“This doesn’t change anything,” I tell him. “Gay or not gay, you’re my friend. You’re the only real one I’ve probably got. And I should have listened to you. I should have tried harder when I saw you struggling. You should have been able to come to me with this.”
His chest shakes with relief. “You aren’t mad?”
“Why the hell would I be mad? I mean, you know I’m into chicks, so—”
“I know,” he says quickly. “And I don’t expect anything. I just wanted to explain why I’ve been so cagey. It was hard for me to watch you falling for her even though I knew I never had a chance. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but I didn’t know how you would take it.”
“I’m proud of you for telling me the truth,” I say. “I’m sure it wasn’t easy. But I think you’re doing the right thing by taking this time to work through shit and figure out what you want. You seem like you’re doing well here.”
He nods, but then something he said earlier triggers a realization.
“You said you didn’t remember that night?”
“Yeah,” he admits. “I thought it was weird because I didn’t drink that much, but I blacked out. I almost mentioned it a couple of times, but I was pretty sure you’d just think it was bullshit.”
“So, neither of us remembers.” I stuff my hands into the pocket of my hoodie and stare down at the pavers. “I thought it was just me. But both of us?”
I think back on the night we woke up in that bed. Kail looked shocked, but I assumed she was humiliated because half of BMA knew we’d just had a threesome, by all appearances. They were snapping photos, taunting us. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My head was still groggy, and the minute I realized Carson was beside her, I saw red.
I was pissed, and I was fucking jealous. The only thing I could think was that she’d betrayed me. I hated myself for allowing it to happen. Things got too crazy. We were all so drunk. It was the only explanation that made any sense. But Kail hated me so much after that night. She acted like I’d done something wrong even though she was the one demanding cash. It was hard to see past that, but now, I’m questioning everything. Did she wake up without any memory either? Is it possible I’ve been that fucking blind?
“I think we were drugged.” Carson gives voice to what’s already taking shape in my thoughts.
“Who the fuck would do that?” I stand and start to pace.
“Maybe the same person who bashed Kailani,” he offers quietly.
I come to a halt, pulse thrashing, eyes wild. “What?”
“Someone went at her with a baseball bat after practice,” he answers grimly. “They shattered her ankle. That’s what I was trying to tell you the morning you left. The school still doesn’t know who did it.”
No.
My head rattles in denial. I don’t want to believe it. But Carson would never lie about this. He knows I’d lose my shit. The urge to murder whoever did this to her is already coursing through my veins.
“Is she okay?” My voice barely registers.
“She’s alright,” he assures me. “Courtney’s been giving everyone updates. Kail is at home recovering until they think it’s safe for her to go back. The police interviewed all of us. They want to talk to you too.”