I’m low key freaking out, but I don’t have time to keep looking. Even though it’s suspect, I don’t want to jump to conclusions yet. I probably just lost it, and it’ll turn up stuffed into a cushion or something. Because Landon might be a lot of things, but a thief isn’t one of them. Audrey, on the other hand… I wouldn’t put it past her to do something like this. But would she go so far as to break into my house? There isn’t time to check the spy cam right now, so I toss everything back into my bag. If I can focus and get through the day on hardly any sleep, I might not bomb my biology quiz.
The school day passes slowly, and with a steady stream of sugar-free Red Bull, I make it through somehow. But by the time I get to dance practice, I’m exhausted. I don’t know how long I can keep running on autopilot like this.
Across the field, Landon is running through plays with his team, and it makes it hard to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s been two weeks since I snuck out of his house without a word. I woke up on the floor of his closet early that morning and crept out. At some point during the night, he went back to the party with Audrey, but I still couldn’t move. I stayed there all night, hoping I’d wake up in my own bed and realize it was just a dream. But it wasn’t. And now, it’s like we never knew each other at all. There’s an empty space at the dinner table every night, and Mom can’t hide her disappointment. She keeps hoping he’ll show up, but it isn’t likely, considering he passes me in the hall without even glancing at me.
Carson is back at school now, and they seem to be together all the time. I didn’t think they were that close anymore, but Landon doesn’t go anywhere without him since he returned. I can’t help but wonder if he told Carson what happened between us. Did they have a good laugh when Landon told him I’d given myself to him, only for him to hook up with Audrey on the same night? Was it all just some big joke?
After talking with my doctor and getting the all clear, she assured me the bleeding would be totally normal for the first time, and there wasn’t any cause for concern after her exam. So, in other words, there’s no explanation. I was a virgin, and all this time I’d been harboring hatred for something that never even happened.
Everything sucks, and I don’t know how to handle any of it anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, and it shows.
“Kailani, stay a minute, will you?” Coach gestures for me when practice ends, and I meet her on the field as everyone else clears out.
“Are you okay?” she asks as soon as everyone is out of earshot. “You seem a little off this week.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I cringe. I hate disappointing her. I made promises to the team about being the best captain I could be, but I don’t know if I’m holding up my end of the bargain right now.
“Don’t be sorry,” she says. “I just want to make sure you’re alright. You’re here, but it seems like you aren’t really here.”
“I just have a lot on my mind,” I admit.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I don’t know. Do I? Coach is awesome, and I know I can trust her, but the person I really want to talk to is Courtney. Things have gotten so out of hand, and I don’t even know how to apologize to her after all this time. I keep seeing her around school, and I want to talk to her so badly, but I always chicken out. The truth is, I miss her terribly, and I need my best friend back in my life.
“I think I just need to make a few amends,” I tell Coach. “Get my priorities straight, you know?”
She smiles and squeezes my arm. “Okay, well, I’m here if you ever need to talk. Just keep that in mind.”
We part ways, and I find a comfy place in the grass. The rest of the field is empty now, and everyone’s in the locker rooms getting ready to go home. It’s as good a time as any to text Court before I can think about putting it off any longer. I write out several long messages and delete them before settling on three simple words.
Me:Can we talk?
She texts me back within a few seconds.
Wifey4Lifey:It’s about time.
Despite feeling pretty crappy about everything, I smile. I know I should get home because my mom will start to worry, but I don’t want to put our conversation off another second. So, I pull up a video chat. Court answers on the third ring, and I can tell she’s lying on her bed by the pictures on the wall behind her.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out the second I see her face. “I’ve been a terrible friend.”
“Yep, pretty terrible,” she agrees, but her lips are already cracking into a smile. “I missed you anyway, asshole.”
“God, I miss you too.” I sigh. “It sucks not talking to you every day. Will you forgive me?”
“That depends.” She blows a bubble and pops it. “Are you going to try to make me into one of your Barbie clones again?”
“Definitely not.” I shake my head. “That was a horrible plan.”
She laughs, but it falls away quickly. “And what about your revenge?”
I pluck a few pieces of grass and toy with them between my fingers. “I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.”
“Well…” She considers me for a minute. “Tell me about it. Maybe I can help.”
Over the next twenty minutes, the confessions pour out of me like lava. By the end, Courtney is just as unsure as I am. She tells me we’ll figure it out together, and we agree to meet tomorrow after practice.
When I hang up, it’s already dark out, and I still have to shower. Inside the locker room, a couple of girls are still applying the finishing touches to their makeup, and one more is in the shower. This place will be a ghost town pretty soon, and it gets uber-creepy when everyone leaves. Coach is probably in her office on the other side of the school, so I’d rather not be here by myself.