“I can’t believe you would actually do this.” He tosses the condom into the rubbish and yanks his jeans back on. “You made me believe…” He shakes his head and lowers his voice. “You’re just like everyone else. I can’t trust a word you say.”
“That’s not true!” I cry out, but he can’t even hear me right now. The only thing I know for sure is what I saw when I woke up at that party. We were all practically naked, and the condoms… none of it makes any sense.
“Landon, please don’t go!”
He freezes in the doorframe. The muscles in his back are so rigid I know this is the end. He’ll never believe me. He’ll never let me in again, regardless of what I say. We got too close, and Landon doesn’t let anyone get close. Everyone hurts him, and now I have too. I can already hear the door slamming in his heart. If there was a key, he just threw it away.
“You win, Kail. Sell your story to whoever you want. Tell it to anyone who will listen this time. Because this is the last chance you’ll ever get. You and I are done.”
20
Kailani
He’s turned me into an obsessive stalker. A heartsick fool who stares out the window all night, waiting for him to come home. I text him so many times I lose count. Until the status icon changes, and I realize my messages are no longer being delivered.
He blocked me.
I want to puke. My stomach is in knots, and all I can think about are his last words to me.You and I are done.
If we could just talk this out, I’m sure we could find some sort of understanding. There has to be something that makes sense. I feel so desperate with the need to see him that I find myself standing on his lawn in the middle of the night.
I’m not this girl, am I? What happened to being strong? What happened to hating him until the day I die? Truthfully, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.
I scrub my hands over my face and groan. He never even came back here. I know because I heard the rumble of his Porsche a minute after he left me in the pool house. So, why am I here?
I peek at the handle on his back door. It’s taunting me. Surely, he wouldn’t have left it unlocked. But then again… he did plan to come back here tonight. Maybe, just maybe…
I wrap my fingers around the handle and twist. To my equal delight and dread, it opens. Now I’m standing on the threshold, asking myself how this could possibly help. But he does it to me all the time. He comes to the pool house unannounced, sneaking through my window or an unlocked door. It’s pretty much the same, right?
Except I know I’m not welcome here anymore. It’s an undeniable fact.
I go in anyway. The door quietly clicks shut behind me, and I listen for the sound of life. I’d hope his mother would have more sense than to come back here tonight. After a few long moments, I’m satisfied that I’m alone.
I don’t have a plan. For a while, I just wander around the bottom floor, taking everything in. It’s clean and tidy, which I attribute to the housekeeper I’ve seen coming and going. Right now, the place almost looks like one of those model homes. It would be easy to think nobody lives here. In the darkness, it feels so empty.
In the kitchen, I examine the contents of his cupboards. There are boxes of healthy stuff like granola and oats, and glass containers filled with grains. I was sort of expecting Pop-Tarts and chips, but there aren’t any. The fridge is more of the same. Glass containers filled with ready-made meals. When I examine the contents, I realize my mother must have made them. It warms me to know that he isn’t going hungry because of her.
I check the clock on the wall. It’s after midnight now. Where is he?
I wander up the stairs to the second floor and hesitate in front of the door to the guest room. The last time I was here, I avoided it. But now, I’m wondering if I should have. Is there something in there that could jog my memory?
Sweat prickles my skin as I wrap my fingers around the knob. It’s just a room, and this room can’t have any power over me. Nothing happened in here. At least, not what I thought. But what did happen?
I fling it open quickly so I can’t chicken out. At first glance, it looks just the way I remembered. The bed is made with a soft gray duvet. The carpet is a neutral, unassuming beige. The walls are white. There’s nothing special about this place.
When I take a few steps inside, I pause where Landon and I first kissed. I remember that kiss. It felt like I was zapped by lightning, and I wanted it to go on forever. But then I got sick.
My eyes dart to the bathroom, and I hold my breath as I duck my head inside. Everything in here looks the same too. I can still recall how cold the tile was on my face when I collapsed against it. I thought it felt so good. And then… everything went blank.
I’m trying to connect the dots. But no matter how I examine it, I can’t figure out how I went from lying on the floor to that bed. Did I wake up and drink more without realizing it? Did I get so drunk, I just can’t remember the game we played? And why was Landon so surprised tonight? Shouldn’t he have already known I was still a virgin? What does he think happened that night we never speak of?
The answers don’t come flooding back to me as I’d hoped. I still feel strange in this place. My skin is too hot, and the hair on the back of my neck is standing on end. My therapist once told me our bodies remember what our minds can’t. I know it must be true because my body is screaming at me now. And as much as I want to believe nothing bad happened here, I can’t. In my gut, I still feel that humiliation and sickness. It’s been poisoning me for so long. It can’t have been for nothing.
In a daze, I leave the room behind me and venture down the hall like a ghost. I don’t even feel like I’m part of my body anymore. It’s just my spirit, floating through the halls of his mansion until he returns.
I check each room I pass. They are all empty squatting boxes of nothingness. And then, I reach the biggest room. Landon’s suite. During the summer we met, I watched him come in here a couple of times, but I never had a reason to follow. Now, the only reason I need is that I want to see his space the way he’s seen mine.
When I open the door, his scent envelops me. It’s a mixture of his cologne, deodorant, and maybe a little laundry soap. I wish I could capture this scent and carry it with me always. If I don’t get to smell him again, I’ll be forever homesick.