As if he can sense my irrational jealousy, his hand slides up beneath the hem of my skirt, cupping me between my thighs. I nearly choke on my water, and he grins, telling me I should be more careful.
“Well, I think it’s a great idea.” Mom adds another heaping of vegetables to his plate. “You deserve a break. And anyone who pretends to have it all figured out at eighteen is only kidding themselves.”
Landon toys with me through the thin cotton fabric of my underwear, rubbing his fingers against the wetness that’s already gathered there. My face feels hot, and I’m convinced everyone can see me about to lose it. Then to my dismay, he drags his hand away and goes about eating his dinner with an infuriating smirk that tells me he’s quite pleased with himself.
I slip my hand beneath the table and slowly graze the length of his thigh until my fingers are brushing over the warm, hard bulge in his jeans. Landon pauses mid-chew to look over at me with smoldering eyes, but I turn my attention away from him as Theo speaks.
“What about you, Kail? Any thoughts on choosing a college yet?”
“I don’t know.” I squeeze Landon’s jean clad erection in my grasp and smile when he reaches beneath the table to pry me off. He isn’t the only one who can play dirty. “Maybe I’ll be a rebel and take a gap year too.”
It’s a lie because I do know what I want, but I’m not brave enough to say it out loud just yet. Regardless, my mom nods along in agreement. She isn’t the sort to pressure me into having everything mapped out right now. She had me when she was only eighteen and went to school later, so she’s okay with me taking some time to figure out who I am. But the truth is, my dream is a simple one. Sometimes, I think, maybe too simple. It’s hard not to feel pressure when most of my classmates will do huge things with their lives. It’s no secret that BMA churns out record numbers of elite professionals. But I just want to teach the thing I’m passionate about. I want to open a dance studio of my own.
“I have a hunch Kail’s going to do what she loves best,” Mom says. “But no pressure. Whatever you decide, we will support your dream.”
“Thanks, Mama.” I beam, but it’s hard not to miss the sadness in Landon’s eyes.
I know I’m lucky to have a mother who would love me no matter what I choose to be. She’s proud of me for the little things, and not everyone has that. It makes me think of Courtney and the fact that her parents are always pressuring her to be what they want. They are really hard on her, and I think that’s why she acts as though she just doesn’t care about anything.
I’ve been a shitty friend to her, and I need to fix that. But I also need to figure out what’s going on with Landon and his mom because I’m sensing things aren’t okay in that department either. Not that it’s any of my business.
“Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Grant.” Landon takes his plate and mine to the sink. “It was amazing, like always.”
“I’m just glad you could be here.” My mom joins him in the kitchen and envelops him in a hug, which seems to catch him off guard. The tiny woman clinging to his huge frame would be almost comical if it weren’t for the frozen expression on his face as his arms hang limply at his sides. It’s the strangest reaction. Doesn’t his mom ever hug him?
“I have some homework to do.” He extricates himself from her arms and prepares to make a quick escape. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After he leaves, I’m still thinking about the incident as I help my mom wash the pots and pans. I haven’t done it in a while because I was so busy planning everyone else’s destruction. But it feels good to have this familiar routine. Almost like things are getting back to normal somehow. The only thing that’s changed is me.
“Do you think it bothers Landon’s mom that he’s over here all the time?” I ask as she hands me a pan to dry.
My mom scrubs a spatula for way too long, her eyes shining with sadness. She definitely knows more than she’s let onto.
“I’m not really sure, honey.”
“Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I turn to study her, hoping I can get her to open up.
Mom shakes her head. “No, it’s not that. But you know how people are in this town. I’ve heard a few stories about her from some of the other moms who grew up with her. The way they tell things, it just seems like maybe she’s not the nicest person.”
“What kind of stories?” I prop my hip against the counter and watch as she continues to scrub.
“A few people have mentioned that she’s never really been able to pull herself together enough to be a good parent.” Mom’s voice lowers like she’s too ashamed to say the words out loud. “There are rumors that she’s a heavy drinker, and maybe some other things. I don’t know, Kail. I just think he needs someone in his life to let him know they care about him without any ulterior motive. That poor boy has been through hell growing up in the spotlight. Having his every move criticized and dissected. I can’t imagine the damage that must have caused him as a child. You can see it in his eyes. He acts like everything is fine, but deep down, I think he’s lonely and hurt.”
My throat feels tight when I nod, and here comes that reaction I hate so much. It’s almost an automatic response for me. I can’t watch those sad children commercials or any kind of true crime stories. I start blubbering on sight because I’m an emotional wreck. When I think back to the first time I met Landon, I know what my mom says is true. I’d never seen anyone so… damaged. It was there in his eyes, and I think it still is. He’s just gotten better at hiding it.
“He’s lucky to have you in his corner.” I hug my mom, squeezing her tighter than ever.
“He’s lucky to have all of us.” She smiles back at me, completely unaware that my only intention was to destroy him.
19
Kailani
After I slip out the door, I’m trudging back to the pool house when I stop in the middle of the lawn. I don’t want to go back in there. I know how it will go if I do. I’ll spend the entire night overthinking things. Landon stopped sneaking in to sleep on the lounger a couple of days ago, and it feels so empty and quiet in there now. It feels lonely, and I can only imagine how lonely his huge house must be. Is that why he always says yes to the parties, even though he appears to hate them? Is it just so he has people there to fill the cavernous space?
What does he do when he goes home? Does he just sit there by himself, waiting until the next dinner at our house?
My pulse slows as I pivot in that direction to look. He’s probably busy. He said he has homework. I shouldn’t even wonder what he’s doing at all. But that little truth doesn’t stop me from venturing over the property line. I head for the front of his house, but as soon as I round the corner, I’m startled by the woman on the stairs. She’s pounding her fist on the door, screaming at Landon to let her in. She sounds drunk, and I recognize the stringy hair and skinny legs. She’s the same woman from the party who was giving blowies to Landon’s football buddies.