He gives me a sidelong glance, the muscle in his neck straining with unease. “I was wondering if you’re punishing me.”
“What?” I study him. “Why would you think that?”
“Because it’s what I deserve.”
“I’m not punishing you.” I sigh. “But you ghosted me for months. Then you just popped back into my life yesterday, and everything is so insane right now I can’t even process it. We have a lot to talk about before you start trying to make decisions for me.”
“I fucked up,” he answers in a gravelly voice. “I can’t say it any other way. I wasn’t right in the head when my father died. I’ve been so goddamned cruel to you, but I thought the only way to make things right was to leave you alone. I’ve pushed you away for so long because you just fucking terrify me, Stella. You brought me back to life. You made me feel again, and I didn’t like it. I thought I had something to prove by breaking you, but it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.”
I swallow because that wound is still too raw to touch. I know Sebastian has been through a lot, and in the beginning, all I wanted to do was save him. But I have a baby to think about now, and I need to know he won’t ever do that again. Not if he wants to be a part of our lives.
“I know how much I hurt you.” His knuckles tighten around the steering wheel. “It’s going to take time to repair that, and I’m trying not to push you. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. In time, I hope you will see that.”
“I want to believe that,” I admit. “But I just… I don’t know yet.”
“You’re still wearing my necklace.” His eyes drift to the gold bar hanging around my neck. “Does that mean there’s hope?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to take it off.” My voice wavers. “I didn’t want to. But that doesn’t mean I never will.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” His voice cracks.
“You broke mine too.” Tears sting my eyes as I turn my gaze to the passing scenery.
“Don’t go somewhere else,” he pleads. “Talk to me. Tell me how we can work through this.”
My hands squeeze together in my lap as I work up the courage to ask the scariest question. “Okay, well for starters, I need to know how you feel about this baby.”
“I want the baby.” He glances over at me. “Obviously, it was always a consideration.”
“It wasn’t a consideration.” I glare at him. “It was a high likelihood, and you know it.”
“Do you want me to say it?” His jaw clenches. “Do you want me to tell you that on some level, I wanted this? Because I guess I did. I knew what I was doing when I fucked you and came in you. It didn’t stop me. I’m a twisted son of a bitch, but when it comes to you, I can’t fucking help myself.”
I take a moment to process his words, and I don’t know if I should be mad, but his honesty is refreshing for once. Because if I’m being honest too, I knew exactly what we were doing.
“Do you want the baby?” he asks so softly I barely hear the question.
“Of course, I do.” I lay a protective hand over my belly.
“So I haven’t fucked up your life forever?” His voice is so raw, it physically hurts me to see him like this.
“No, Sebastian. You haven’t.”
He takes a moment to gather himself before continuing. “Because if you feel that way, on any level, I need you to know this isn’t your fault. You can walk away. You can go to college, figure out your future, do whatever you want. I will raise this child and take responsibility for it, no matter what.”
“You aren’t raising my baby without me,” I answer, horrified by the thought. “My child won’t ever think for one second that she wasn’t wanted by me. Never.”
“I don’t want to raise this baby without you.” He reaches over and strokes my arm. “I just want you to know that I would if that’s what it came down to. It would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do to let you go, but I need to know that you’ll be happy. It’s the only way I can be at peace.”
I don’t know how to react to this version of Sebastian. I’ve never seen him so emotionally ravaged, and I want to give him my reassurances, but I’m not ready for that yet. Without a doubt, I am going to raise this baby. And when I imagine the future, I can’t see any other reality where Sebastian isn’t by my side. But the only way we’ll ever get there is by taking it one day at a time. And right now, I’m too lost for words when he pulls into the drive of one of the most beautiful estates I’ve ever seen.
“Oh my God.” I poke my head toward the windshield and stare at the sprawling brick manor on display before us. “This is your house?”
“Yes.” His voice is terse, and he seems nervous as he studies me, but I don’t understand why.
As soon as he turns off the ignition, I’m halfway out of the car before he can come around to assist me. Sebastian leads me up the stairs and opens the front door, revealing a huge reception area with vaulted ceilings and marble inlay floors. He wastes no time taking my hand in his and giving me the quickest tour in history, rattling off details as we wander from room to room.
The place is thirteen thousand square feet with six bedrooms, a cherrywood library, two living rooms, and a pool with a view of Long Island Sound. It truly is the most magnificent home I’ve ever seen, but Sebastian seems unaware of my wonder as he mentions oak floors and custom glasswork. On the second level, he points out a gym, a wine cellar, and a home theater. And after seeing this house, I can’t even imagine him spending the last four years in a small cottage at Loyola.