AS I LURK OUTSIDE of Sebastian’s class the next day, I conjure up a million different reasons I should skip. I think I feel a cold coming on. Or a headache. Or, more accurately, a heartache.
Sybil reaches for my hand and laces her fingers through mine. “It’s going to be fine. Deep breaths. Most likely, he won’t even call on you during class. It’s been too long, I really don’t think that will be your first interaction together.”
“I know.” I glance at the door, noting we only have two minutes left to get inside, and I don’t want Sybil to be late over my fears. “Let’s just go.”
I follow her inside with my head down, refusing to look at Sebastian. At least for three whole minutes. But that doesn’t stop Sybil from offering me reports of his every movement.
“He just looked at you,” she whispers. “Now he’s wiping off the board. Okay, he’s going to shut the door.”
“All right, Sybil.” A smile curves over my face, despite my resolve to remain serious. “I get it.”
“Welcome back, Mr. Carter,” Louisa purrs from the back of the classroom.
“Thank you, Louisa,” he answers gruffly.
I sneak a glance in his direction, noting that he looks sharper than ever in his Prussian blue suit. He’s wearing the jacket open today with a crisp white shirt and matching pocket square. He’s been ruling the Carter empire, and it shows. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is what Sebastian is doing back here when he has an entire corporation to lord over. By his own admission, he isn’t happy at Loyola. He could have stayed in New York with his cushy new title at Carter Holdings and Megan by his side. Together, they look catalogue perfect. Nothing about his return adds up.
“Take out your workbooks and turn to page two-sixty.” Sebastian commands the attention of the room with the same authority that first caught my eye. “Today, we will review your progress on ethical research practices, which I’m told you’ve become well acquainted with in my absence. Note that there will be a quiz before the end of class, so pay attention.”
A collective groan resounds through the room while I sink into my seat and attempt to harness the power of blending into inanimate objects. But as it turns out, it isn’t necessary. Sebastian clips over the material at breakneck speed, only pausing to ask a few questions along the way. He never glances in my direction, and I don’t bother to volunteer any answers.
The quiz is a challenge, mostly because my head is fuzzy and I wasn’t exactly paying attention, but luckily, we’ve gone over the material so many times I’m satisfied that I’ll pass. After we hand in our papers, Sebastian doles out the next homework assignment—heavy reading on interpreting qualitative data—and then sends us on our way.
“See, you survived.” Sybil pokes me in the ribs as we exit the building. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No.” I shrug, but inside, I don’t feel any better that our interaction was nonexistent. Sebastian has laid out his cards, and it’s clear he’s moved on.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
SEBASTIAN
AFTER RUNNINGcircles around campus for over an hour, I’ve managed to pass her dorm three times without going inside. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still considering it, even after everything. Going inside would be the selfish thing to do. Caving to my needs with no regard for hers is a pattern I’m not eager to repeat, and Stella needs to learn what’s good for her.
In my absence, it seems like maybe she has. When I came home to find the roses I’d sent her crushed and torn all over my bedroom, I was only a little surprised. But it was the accompanying lipstick note on my dresser mirror that nearly brought me to my knees.
One for every time you broke my heart.
It was simple and to the point, and it completely fucking gutted me. I want to believe I did the right thing by pushing her away. She still has a chance at a future without me. One where she can figure out what she wants in life and find a nice sensible man to settle down with. But even as I tell myself that’s the best thing for her, I can’t accept it.
Coming to a dead halt, I pitch forward and nearly vomit from the pain radiating down my shin. This agony is the constant reminder that I’m not the man I once was. It’s a grief I still haven’t shaken, and at this point, it’s fucking pathetic. Stella was right to call me a hypocrite. For years, I’ve exiled myself to this colorless reality with the belief I was doing something worthwhile with my time. But the only thing I’ve done in five years is exist. And still I saw fit to challenge her at every turn, pushing her to make choices I’m too stubborn to make myself. How she fell in love with a miserable bastard like me, I’ll never know.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she needs years of therapy after crossing paths with me. I really am the devil reincarnate, and if Katie could see me now, she would be horrified by the man I’ve become.
I leave Stella’s dorm and my twisted thoughts behind and trudge back to my own house. It feels empty without her. The scent that once lingered here has disappeared, and this place is no longer a sanctuary, but a prison. If I’m being honest, I have no idea why I even bothered to come back. Once Carter Holdings is gone, I could go anywhere, do anything. I’ll have more money than I could ever spend in one lifetime. But I won’t have her.
I towel myself off and take a seat at the kitchen table, staring down the necklace that has haunted me for so long. It occurs to me at that moment how much Katie would abhor my self-flagellation. She wouldn’t want this life for me, and I know it. But letting go of what happened has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
It starts with a single step.
That’s what she would have told me if she were here right now. And in a way, as crazy as it seems, it feels like she is. It’s Katie who guides me to the box of my mother’s belongings, where I deposit the memento that has suffocated me for so long.
My family is dead, but I’m not. As long as I have a pulse, I owe it to them to make the most of it. My time at Loyola is coming to an end, and where I go from here is wide open. But first, I need to see this year through.I need to make sure Stella will be all right.
AN UNSETTLING KNOCK disturbs me from my restless sleep, and I sit upright, glancing at the clock. It’s after two in the morning, and there’s only one person I can imagine knocking on my door at this hour.
Stella.
My lungs expand with the first full breath I’ve drawn in months as I wind my way through the house and open the door. But to my displeasure, it isn’t Stella standing on my doorstep. It’s her mother.