Hope.
Hope that someone else has come to save me. But that is not what he sees. I know, because it is not what I feel. I ignore the visitor and continue the business of writing new lyrics.
It is only River anyway. He comes into the kitchen to snatch an apple from the counter before he follows Javi into his office. They shut the door behind them and remain there for an hour. And when River leaves again, Javi emerges.
Agitated.
He looks at me, and I do not like what I see there. I don't like the doubt in his eyes. The shift in his mood. He seems cold now. Shut down. I think he's going to punish me again. He's going to push me away or hurt me. But that isn't what he does.
He goes to the gym. And stays there for two hours.
Punishing himself instead.
I'm somewherebetween worlds when Javi startles me by removing the book from my hands and setting it on the table beside me.
The conservatory is dark now, apart from the glittering lights of the stars above and a solitary lamp on the table beside me. The roses are fragrant, and the air is warm, and there is something else in the room between us.
A new energy. A strange energy. An exciting energy.
Javi bends down and scoops me into his arms, carrying me to the bathroom. He places me on my feet again and removes my clothes before starting the bath.
I don't question his actions.
We are both silent when he helps me into the bath and begins to wash me. Shampooing my hair and cleaning my body with his hands. When he is finished, he moves to pull the plug, but I stop him.
"Don't," I plead.
His eyes are absent of the turmoil I saw there earlier. He is softer now. And I don’t want to waste these moments, which are so rare with him.
"Will you let me wash you?"
He is silent and still for a long while. Too silent. Too still. I don't know what he's going to do. Not until he removes his shirt and unbuttons his jeans and discards them on the floor beside my own clothes.
Then he climbs in behind me, pulling me into his arms. He does not let me wash him. But he holds me. And that is more than I had hoped for.
Chapter Thirty-Two
When the water is cold, Javi helps me from the tub. He dries my hair with a towel and then my body too. He uses the same towel on himself, and I watch.
Then he takes me by the hand and leads me back into the library in the conservatory. He pulls one of the chairs onto the hardwood floor and cups my face in his palm.
"Do you know what I need from you, my Bella?"
His voice is gentle. Filled with want. And it doesn't matter what he needs from me because whatever it is, I will do it.
I nod. He kisses me.
"Good girl," he says. "Now stay right here."
I stay in place while he walks back across the room and returns a moment later with a cup in hand. A cup that I recognize well from my early days with him.
It is filled with dry rice. Rice that he scatters on the floor beneath me. I swallow and look up into his eyes when he is finished. Wondering if he is angry. Wondering if I've done something wrong.
But that isn't what I find. Today, I only see need. He needs this from me. And so when he asks me to kneel, I do it without question. It has been a long time since he punished me this way, and I have forgotten the pain. But I bear it.
For Javi.
For Javi, I would bear anything. The thought scares me. Excites me. Confuses me.