His eyes softened, and she saw a flash of regret even as his words came out firm and painfully clear. “The truth is that there is a strong correlation between the body and the emotions. Surely as a scientist you understand that.”
“That’s not love,” she said, though in her heart she wondered. And damn him, he knew just how to make her completely uncertain.
“Are you sure? I was sure when I was seventeen. And before that when I was sixteen. And before that—”
“I’m not a child.”
“But you are young in this.”
He was right. She knew he was, but inside, everything felt like it was calcifying to chalk. She felt white and hollow and so very brittle. “You loved her,” she whispered. But the truth was, she wondered. And she might as easily have said, I loved you, but now, I’m not so sure.
“Irememberher,” he said clearly. And then his voice roughened as he released her and reached for his shirt. “As you will remember me.”
Her gaze shot to his, but she only caught the side of his face as he began to dress. He wasn’t leaving her now? He wasn’t abandoning her—
“We have a plan, Mellie,” he continued. “We shouldn’t abandon it because of…of…”
Love? Biology? What?
He turned to look at her. “Of feelings that will pass.”
She shook her head trying to deny everything that he said, but she couldn’t. It was too well reasoned. “What if they don’t pass?”
“They will.” He took a deep breath. “You need to touch yourself, Mellie. You need to feel these things when I am not around. You’ll see that it’s just as intense when it has nothing to do with me.”
His eyes were steady when he spoke, but his hands were jerky and disconnected as he buttoned his shirt. He stood awkwardly beside the bed even as his words came out with scientific precision.
“Will you do that, Mellie? Will you…explore by yourself?”
The very idea repulsed her. Do these things without him? She couldn’t. And yet she still found herself nodding. If he wanted it, then she would try. She had to find out if it was true. Would she feel the same things when alone?
“We need to get you home, Mellie. Soon. But if you want to…” His voice broke, and he had to clear his throat before he continued. “If you want to explore on your own, I can step into the other room and wait—”
“No!” she gasped when she realized his meaning. Did he truly want her to do itnow? With him on the other side of the wall?
“It’s a simple biological process, Mellie.”
So he kept saying. But if she were to do as she’d promised, she would do it somewhere else. In secret. Sometime when she didn’t feel so utterly wretched. So she reached for her corset. She thought her chemise or gown might be destroyed. There had to be some outward reflection of the way she felt. But everything appeared fine. Crushed, perhaps, but nothing that couldn’t easily be set to rights.
“I’ll just be a moment,” she whispered.
He sketched a quick bow. “I’ll find us a hackney. There’s a lady’s cloak in the hallway that you should use.”
“Whose is it?”
His cheeks flushed slightly, and he shrugged. “This is a bachelor household, Mellie. It’s there for general use.”
For ladies who wanted to leave anonymously. Of course.
Meanwhile, he pulled on his coat. “I’ll just be a moment.”
And then he was gone.
* * *
Trevor was shaking as he hailed a hackney. The depth of his perfidy was overwhelming him. To suggest, even by implication, that what he shared with Mellie was nothing more than sheer biology was like calling the Bodleian Library nothing more than a place where some scholars kept a few books. The scale was completely wrong, and the feeling was totally absent. Every moment with Mellie blazed in his mind as a nearly reverent time. What they had shared tonight was as holy to him as the library was to the Oxford dons who maintained it. And he had just pretended that she was no more to him than a fuck with a good whore.
He was nearly sick from his own lies. But what made it so much worse was the knowledge that he hadn’t lied to her. He had spent a decade learning the joys of physical release. He knew how special Mellie was. But she was an innocent before their time together. Of course she would whisper that she loved him. Of course the feelings were beyond intense. Such was the nature of first times.