“He’s the one who talked about his life’s work and how Mama ruined it. And now you’re doing it to me.”
“I’m doing nothing of the sort. You’ve been allowed to run wild and—”
“It was awful, wasn’t it? The way they yelled at each other. One minute arguing, near to killing each other, and then the next—”
“I know what they did,” he interrupted. His parents were passionate in all things. Eventually the bitterness overwhelmed any tender feelings, but for much of his childhood, their arguments ended in passion that sounded as violent as an attack. “I am nothing like father. I keep my temper restrained.”
“Which means you’ve locked down your heart as well. It’s become as hard as stone.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” he snapped. “I am the reasonable one here.”
“So reasonable you’re going to make yourself and everyone else miserable. Just like father.”
He stared at her. Not an hour ago, he’d felt like Lilah had cut out his heart. Now he knew that she’d left a small piece behind for Clara to pulverize. He could not possibly be like his father. Indeed, from his earliest years, he’d resolved to keep his temper in check and to never spread misery like a bad smell to everyone he touched.
Meanwhile, Clara gathered her wrap and turned from him. As she passed through the doorway, she intoned her final pronouncement. “I will get you a butler and housekeeper to give you the home you want. Then I shall remove myself to better accommodations.”
“On what money?” he asked.
She didn’t answer. He wasn’t even sure she heard, but it didn’t matter. They both knew he would not allow her to be destitute, but what kind of disaster would her home become? Would he find her frozen to death some winter because her servants forgot to buy more coal and she had no idea how to light a fire? He didn’t want to think so. Clara was an intelligent, capable woman, but sometimes he wondered.
And with that horrible fear heavy on his mind, he headed for the library and the papers from his steward. He would need to find a way to maximize the income of the earldom. And he remained there for the rest of the day becoming more frustrated by the second.
He nearly leaped from his chair when heard the knocker sound and Lilah’s voice in the hallway. What was she doing here? Of course, she came to visit Clara. Hadn’t she told him as much? He could not, would not poison his tenuous relationship with Lilah by speaking to her when he was so ill tempered. That was his plan at least. Until he several hours later when Clara entered his library without knocking and spoke in hard angry words. “Lilah will be staying with me for the next few weeks. I think it best for everyone that you reside at your club until she and I have found alternate lodging.”
“What the devil—” he began, but he cut off his words the moment he saw Clara’s face. She had on her brave face. The one she wore after every explosive argument between their parents. She even hunched her shoulders the way she did after their angry words spilled onto the servants, the tenants, and Aaron and Clara. It was the expression he’d sworn to eradicate the minute he established himself in London and brought her to live with him. He’d thought it was gone forever, but now he saw its return here as she faced him. In it, he saw bravado as she covered the pain he had caused. He didn’t even fully understand what he’d done, but the expression was unmistakable.
At that moment, he knew he’d become his father.
“I’ll leave immediately.”
Chapter Twenty-One
What a relief!
That’s the phrase that Lilah repeated to herself as she set Clara’s spare bedroom to rights.
Finally, the worst thing in the world had happened to her, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d feared as a child. It was a relief. That’s what she felt. Total relief.
After all, she’d spent much of her life believing she was one disobedient outburst away from the street. Even when her father had been alive and she’d known he loved her, she’d still walked eggshells around Lady Byrn. The woman cared for her, even showed true affection for her, but Lilah was convinced that was because she’d never truly challenged the woman’s dictates. She left that for Gwen who had constantly been at odds with her mother. Lilah was the peacemaker, the housekeeper, and the one who faded into the background so that no one had cause to quarrel with her.
But now she’d quarreled with her adoptive mother. She’d forged a path for her life that was opposed to Lady Byrn’s ideas, and she’d been expelled.
It was a relief, she reminded herself. After spending most of her life in terror of such an event, it had finally occurred. And the reality was so much better than she’d feared. She had a job starting on the morrow and a place to live until she could find something of her own. Clara had even suggested that they combine their resources to find a home together. When Lilah had raised her brows in question, Clara had clammed up. It didn’t matter. She knew she’d get the story eventually. And in the meantime, they’d cleaned the books out of this spare room and aired the linens.
In short, the axe had fallen, and she was still alive.
Relief.
And yet despite all the times she said the word to herself, the reality felt very different. When all the cleaning and airing was done, when Clara left her to rest after her full day, Lilah sat down on her bed and cried. She tried to fight the tears, but they came anyway. Pretty soon, she was heaving sobs into her pillow.
She didn’t feel relief at all. She felt utter devastation.
It took a long while for the sobs to end. Time when she gasped for breath, when her knees came up to her chest, and when the world felt it consisted of nothing but pain and loss. But eventually the turmoil ended. Soon, her breath eased, and her body stopped shaking.
It was only then that she realized a hand was resting on her shoulder. It was large and steady, with a warmth that seeped into her body. It could belong to only one man.
Aaron.