“I do,” she said firmly. “Better than you do.”
“Then why?” the words were screeched at her. “Whyever would you want that?”
“Because you were wrong!” she cried. She’d never spoken these words out loud. She’d never dared allowed herself to utter her darkest secret. But suddenly, when offered the one thing she truly wanted, the ugly truth spilled out. “You were wrong to bring me into your home. You were wrong to lift me above my station.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We love you. We gave you a home.”
“You did, but it was a cheat. You pulled me into a world that won’t accept me. And the only way I can marry is if you cheat Lord Kittrel as well.” She shook her head. “I’m the illegitimate daughter of an actress. And by taking me away from that—by lifting me above it—you’ve made it so I can’t find happiness here without cheating someone else.”
“You’d rather we left you in the acting troupe? You’d be dead in the gutter by now!”
Maybe. Maybe not. After all, Margarite wasn’t dead. As far as Lilah could tell, her childhood friend was happy in her hard life. She certainly wasn’t tricking any man to the altar.
Lilah pleaded with her mother to understand. “I know you meant well. I know you love me.” At least she knew that now. “But it’s too hard,” she confessed. “Living like I have been, existing on the edge of things. I see what Diana’s found, and Gwen and Elliot.” All of her half siblings were blissfully in love. “You and father were the same. You loved each other.”
“But there is affection between you and Lord Kittrel. There must be or how would you have gotten him to that gaming hell in the first place?” The lady dropped her hands on her hips. “There are many pathways to a happy marriage.”
Lilah shook her head. “Maybe so, but I will not do this to him.” She lifted her chin. “I start work tomorrow.”
“You’ll humiliate me. Everyone will know. Everything I’ve done for you will be for nothing!” Lady Byrn’s voice rose with every sentence.
Lilah knew it was true—at least from Lady Byrn’s perspective—but there was nothing she could do about it. “I’m sorry,” she said. Then she turned toward the door.
“If you do this, you won’t be welcome back in this house. I’ll bar the door to you.”
Lilah jolted. “You’d do that to me? The child you claim to love?”
Mama nodded her head, tears flowing down her cheeks. “You’re forcing me into it. I can’t let you do this. I can’t let you throw away everything I’ve done for you.”
“I’ll live with Elliott or Diana.” She would have said Gwen, except she and Sayres were right then in Lincolnshire.
“You’d embarrass them then just like you would me. They’d be harboring a tradeswoman, and it will bring down their status.” Lady Byrn scrambled out of bed. “Damnation, why can’t you listen? I can get you an earl!”
They were going in circles. As much as she loved her adoptive mother, Lilah now saw how limited the woman was. She was fierce in her own right, determined to manipulate everyone she loved into the world she knew. The idea of going outside of the tiny circle of the peerage meant diminishment, and she would do everything in her power to keep Lilah in that suffocating circle. Even if it meant trapping Aaron into a marriage. Especially if it meant that!
“You’re right,” Lilah finally said. “My working will always have a negative effect on your status.”
“Exactly!”
“Best to distance ourselves from one another immediately.”
“What?”
“I’ll pack a bag.” She had no idea where she was going to live, but she’d think of something. “Thank you, Mother, for everything you’ve done for me.”
“This isn’t what I want!” the lady bellowed. She even stomped her foot as emphasis.
It wasn’t what Lilah wanted either, but it was the only solution she could stomach. “I won’t hurt your status, and I won’t keep begging to be let inside your level.”
“But—”
“And I won’t trap any man into marriage.”
She sobbed as she packed her bag, but she didn’t linger. It would be too painful. If she still had her purse, she would go to an inn or a rooming house. But she’d lost all her money last night. Which meant there was only one place left to go. One friend who wouldn’t lose status by “harboring a tradeswoman.” After all, Clara was already known to harbor all sorts of odd ideas and friends.
Chapter Twenty
Aaron was notan emotional man. And yet as the carriage took him on to his home, he felt as if he were being battered by a dozen different emotions, all of them intense, and all contradictory. The bliss of the night before was tinged with guilt and lust. He knew both pride that he hadn’t thoroughly debauched Lilah as he’d wanted to, and worry that it didn’t matter. After all, they’d spent the night together in a gambling den. Someone probably noticed and would talk. The unknown man who had seen them in the hallway this morning, perhaps. He also felt enormous relief that Lilah had a future now, though naturally he was concerned that she was not in control of her fate. Reuben was, and that was always a worry.