“Why?”
Damnation, he should have known she would ask that question. “Because I want to see you, of course.” And because he wanted so much more.
“But you don’t love me. You said as much. I have a respectable job now. I will not be your mistress.”
“I wasn’t offering you carte blanche! I wouldn’t insult you like that.”
She nodded as if she understood. “Then why?” She touched his face and it felt like the ring of a bell. His entire body reacted to her single caress. “Why would a new earl call upon a shopkeeper?”
Because he liked how he felt when he was with her. Because he wanted to see what extraordinary things she would do to make the registry office her own. Because he wanted to hear her voice and listen to her laugh. And he also intended to find a way to replace the five hundred pounds she had lost.
But he couldn’t say those things. They were inappropriate from a single man to an unattached female whom he did not intend to marry. So he swallowed them down. But that left him mute in the face of her question. Why did he want to see her?
“I think,” she finally said, “that it would be best if I concentrated on my new responsibilities.”
If she had cut him open before, now she pulled out his heart. By his own words, he did not love her and would not marry her. Therefore, he had no right to keep her from whatever future she chose to pursue. And yet he wanted to. How desperately he craved it.
The carriage pulled to a stop. He glanced outside and saw that they had come to her home. She needed to get inside soon, but he didn’t want to release her. She didn’t give him a choice. When he didn’t move, she opened the carriage door on her own.
“Say you will visit Clara. She would be devastated to lose your friendship.”
“As would I,” Lilah said.
That was it. There seemed to be no more words between them. She stepped down and turned to shut the door. He was pushing forward so he could follow her and wasn’t that insane? He couldn’t be seen with her at this time of day.
She waited while he held her gaze. If only the situation were different. If only he could believe that they wouldn’t eventually make each other miserable. If only the political world could allow him to be an effective Member of Parliament while married to the woman of his choice.
His career or his heart?
His life purpose or a woman? A beautiful, brilliant, capable woman.
If only he could believe they wouldn’t end up miserable, despising each other for things they couldn’t change.
With a sigh he looked away. Duty, responsibility, and purpose outweighed his personal concerns. That was the life of an earl.
“Goodbye,” she said, and the word broke his heart.
“Let me know if you need…” His voice trailed away. She’d already shut the carriage door.
Chapter Nineteen
Lilah had agreat deal to do, but first she wanted a few moments to herself. Something extraordinary had happened with Aaron last night and she wanted to savor it. She wanted to steep herself in the memories because they were delicious, exquisite, and now over.
She’d confessed her love, and he’d refused her. There was only so long she could carry a torch for a man without becoming ridiculous. It was time to move on. Today marked the fresh start she’d been praying for. She just hadn’t expected it to be punctuated by her first glorious sexual experience.
Which was now over.
She called for a bath. It was a luxury, but one she needed. Not all the scents from yesterday had been pleasant. Cigar smoke clung to her hair overpowering the more delicious scent of Aaron on her skin. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to keep one and wash out the other. And since he was no longer part of her life, she would clean it all off.
Which is exactly what she did, though she lingered over a small bruise and a few new aches. But in the end, she rose from her bath and dried herself before the fire. She needed to focus on new tasks, first and foremost of which was telling her adoptive mother about her changed future.
So it was that she supplanted the maid and brought the Dowager Countess Byrn her morning chocolate.
“Good morning, Mama,” she said as she set down the tray. Strangely, the lady was already awake, and her expression was not in the least bit welcoming. Lilah saw the reason why a moment later when the countess’ dresser, Carter, stepped out from behind the changing screen carrying a pile of linens. The woman shot Lilah an arch look, then made her way past and out the door. A moment later, Lilah heard the heavy thud as the door was pulled shut.
Lilah sighed. She and Carter had never gotten along, but they hadn’t actually been enemies. At least Lilah hadn’t thought so, until now, when her adoptive mother gestured her forward with the chocolate.
“Carter has been giving me news.”