But there’s a distance. Like a transparent wall between me and them.
It shows up in small ways.
Luke’s jokes feel a little more careful.
Reid’s smile is tighter, shorter, his body always keeping a measured distance.
Talon won’t even look me in the eye. If we end up within a few feet of each other, he finds a way to leave.
He’s probably planning to never speak to me again. Well, now that the car’s fixed, there’s no real reason for us to interact unless he actually wants to. Which he clearly doesn’t.
I both love and hate what happened between us.
The pleasure was… amazing. No denying that. But everything around it—the lead-up, the aftermath—twisted it into something I can barely think about without cringing.
I begged him.
He tried to say no. I kept pushing.
God… did I push him into it? Did I make him do something he didn’t really want to do? I assumed whatever I was feeling, he was feeling too. But thinking back, I don’t know that for sure. Was I asking for something I had no right to demand?
The thought makes my stomach turn.
It didn’t feel like that in the moment, but I was so caught up in what I wanted that I don’t know if I can trust my own judgment.
But if he was that uncomfortable, why didn’t he stop? Why did he keep going, even after I came?
I don’t know. My thoughts just keep circling without landing anywhere.
Maybe I should actually go to one of those therapy sessions and talk about it.
The next day, I tried to apologize. He shut it down immediately.
“It’s not your fault. It’s fine.”
But it doesn’t feel fine.
I still feel… off. Ashamed. As a result, I’ve stopped visiting him in his shed in the mornings.
And yet I can’t stop thinking about him.
His eyes. His body. The way he touched me like he didn’t want to stop.
And the quieter things, too.
His shy smile when he opens up and tells me something about himself.
The way he listens—as if every word matters and he doesn’t want to miss a single expression.
It used to feel intense. Overwhelming. Now I miss it.
Keeping my distance from him would be easier if things with Luke weren’t weird too.
Like I said, Luke still hangs around. We still talk. But it’s… cleaned up.
No more flirting.
No easy touches.