“Do you ever wish you were the kind of person to commit?”
“No. You?”
“No.”
That’s a lie. I guess a part of me has always wished I could be that guy because I know my mom wants me to have someone when she goes. But I think that’s also part of the reason I don’t commit. Because in some fucked up way, I think it’ll keep her around.
“How long do you think it’ll be until the party clears out?”
“I don’t know,” I begin. “It was starting to die down when I grabbed the pizza, and we’ll run out of booze soon, so they’ll have no reason to stay.”
“Do you mind if I chill up here until they leave? I’d rather not have everyone downstairs watch me leave your room.” She chuckles.
“Yeah, you can hang up here. I can drive you home too if you want. It’s pretty cold, and I don’t think you should walk back to your place alone this late.”
“I’ll get an Uber or something.”
“You never know if you can trust those guys,” I continue. “And why pay for a ride when I’m offering you one.”
“How do I know I can trust you?” She raises an eyebrow.
“You’re right. I’m totally a murderer.”
“I thought so. The no-strings thing makes so much more sense now.”
“You also have a no-strings thing, so does that mean you’re also a murderer?”
“You caught me.”
“Just think about it, okay? While we wait for everyone to leave, you can decide if you want this murderer to drive you home. And I’ll think about if I want to drive you, a fellow murderer, home.”
“Okay.”
We both sink into my bed and stare at the ceiling in silence. After a few beats, my phone screen lights up, and I grab it. It’s our group chat.
Fletch:Everyone’s gone home. I’m going to bed. The house is trashed, but that’s tomorrow's problem.
“Coast is clear,” I say, turning toward Avalon, whose chest rises and falls steadily.
I grab the pizza box, place it on my desk, along with our two empty cans, and then grab one of my extra blankets from my closet and drape it over her.
I peel off my hoodie and crawl into bed beside her, pulling up my covers. I sink uncomfortably into the mattress. It’s not the first time I’ve gone to sleep with someone else in my bed, but usually, I’m on my side of the bed when they do stay over. But tonight, she is. And if I was a total asshole, I’d wake her up just so I could get a good night of sleep, but I don’t.
She looks like she needs a good night's sleepmore than I do.
So, I stay on the right side of the bed and stare at the ceiling as I listen to her steady breathing and wonder if this is what it’s like to be committed. To have strings.
To be all in.
ten
Avalon
Islept better than I’ve slept in years. Honestly, the last time I slept this well, my grandparents were still alive, and they died when I was in elementary school.
Most nights, I toss and turn, waiting to hear the front door so I know my mom’s home. But for some reason, I don’t remember waiting to hear the door last night. I don’t even remember getting up in the middle of the night to check on her.
It was nice to sleep without worrying about her.