Slowly, I opened the door back up, but I kept my feet bolted to the carpeting. Bacon might not be Hawai‘ian by birth, but he was adopting several of our customs, like no slippahs in the house.
Caroline patted the couch cushion next to her. She was wearing a thin robe. It was jade green and virtually see-through. Ineverallowed myself to study her body. Blatantly looking went against the many rules I had set for myself around her, though the occasional glimpse couldn’t be helped. I knew she was gaining weight because I paid for her clothing. She’d already gone up a pants size since coming here. I had to strictly ignore the knowledge that she’d also gone up a bra size. Lu and Caroline didn’t spend a lot of time together, but there were some things that she just felt more comfortable doing with another woman.
I stared at that couch cushion. Every part of me felt the pull to obey. I wanted to go sit down next to her more than I wantedmy next breath. But it would be formeif I did. Not her. Despite that it was her suggestion, it would not be in her best interest.
The things I would do to her if I sat down on that couch…
I shook my head, taking a step back.
Caroline stood, closing her robe tighter around her middle. She had an hourglass figure I hadn’t allowed myself to notice before. When I did look at her, I only looked at her face.
She came towards me, her head up high. “I’d like to speak to you. We can go downstairs if you prefer.”
Caroline wasn’t usually so forward. It should not have been so hot.
I took in her entire appearance. From her brunette curls bunched over her right shoulder to her kissable, bold lips, to her tank top and shorts under her robe, showing off a dip of cleavage and her bare legs.
No way in fuck was I allowing her out of this room dressed like that; I’d already almost killed one brother tonight. I did not need to murder another who only happened to be still up and wandering the halls. I didn’t even trust Lucifer around her like this, and he was a former priest.
Then again, I didn’t even trust myself.
Yet, I still walked into my bedroom and closed the door behind me. The low lighting from the lamp cast an almost romantic ambience over us. I tried to think of it as ominous, but why did she have to look so fucking sexy? I could easily picture this scenario completely differently, where she was waiting upfor me, not just to speak with me.
She was still coming towards me when I entered the room, making both of us stop feet from the closed door.
Caroline’s nostrils flared, and I knew exactly what she was smelling on me. I didn’t know what she knew about Yooko’s business. I certainly hadn’t told her anything, but like with Saga, theguys talked, and they weren’t as careful as they should be now that there was a child and teenager in the house.
She reared back, her arms coming around to circle her middle. It wasn’t disgust I saw on her face, buthurt. And it tore something inside me. I reeked of sex, and she knew it. I should have lied. Icouldhave. Claimed that I was only present at a sex party and hadn’t partaken myself. Even told her that it was none of her business. Or held my head upright and not defended myself at all. I was a grown, single man. I could sleep with whomever the fuck I wanted, so long as she was over eighteen and consented.
And yet, I didn’t.
She turned her face away from me, and in that moment, I hated myself. Hated every decision I’d ever made that landed me right here, in this room, with her.
“I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t betrayed her. I hadn’t cheated on her. We weren’tanything, and yet I felt like I had. Was this how Kalea had felt when she’d stepped out on me? Had she even feltanything? Was history doomed to repeat itself, but with an ironic twist?
I wanted to fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness. To grovel until my throat was sore and there was no breath left inside me.
Caroline’s chin trembled. “It’s…” Her voice trailed off, and I wondered if she’d been starting to say that it was okay. She stopped herself, because somehow, someway, we both knew it wasn’t. Her face twitched as she looked anywhere but at me. “I know you had to work tonight. Lu told me.” Fucking fuck balls, because Lu was the one person I couldn’t punish for having told Caroline what happened at Yooko’s. Did she tell her about the barn too? “I just didn’t expect you to…”
Lifting the sleeves of her robe, she wiped under her eyes. She still wouldn’t look at me, and frankly, I didn’t blame her. I wasn’t going to be able to look in a mirror any time soon.
“Am I not good enough for you?”
My self-flagellation stopped immediately upon her question. Not good enough for me? Anger replaced hatred, and my hands balled up into fists at my sides. Was she fuckingseriousright now?
“Don’t you ask me that,” I growled out through gritted teeth. “Don’t you fucking ask me that!”
My voice rose as I spoke, but the bundle under the covers did not move. I had to clamp my mouth closed and take several large breaths in a failed attempt to get myself back under control. When I looked back over at her, Caroline was staring at me like I was a stranger.
“You’re a child,” I spat out at her. Who the fuck was she to evenaskme that question? “Terrible things happened to you, and you cannot understand how deeply that cuts me. You were forced to grow up to appease a sick man’s fucked-up fantasies, but that does not change how young you are. And yet you stand there and askmeif you’re not ‘good enough’ for me?”
I paced away from her. Even the little bit to the door was better than nothing. Did she not know the daily torment I suffered? The rules I had to put in place for myself so I could just be near her? The pain I endured because I couldn’t stomach the thought of sending her away into another’s care?
Notgood enough? I didn’t even really know what that meant, but the question pissed me off nonetheless.
“I… I…” She frantically wiped at her eyes, and I felt even worse for having made her cry. “There are things about my past that you don’t know about. Things I haven’t told you. Things I should tell you and I don’t know how. I don’t want you to think differently of me when you learn what I’ve done.”