A virgin.
How did I not know this? How did this topic never come up? Oh, right, I remember. I was so busy walking on eggshells, I never thought the opportunity for sex would present itself because she was so hell bent on casual, and I was so hell bent on holding on to her any way I could. But here we are, inching out on the ledge of sleeping together, and she drops a bomb like that. She’s a VIRGIN.Fuck.
“Ryan, please say something.” Alana pulls on my hand, and I stop walking.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Does this change things?”
“With us? No. With us having sex, yes.”
“Why?” Her voice pitches.
“Why? I don’t know why, it just does.” I run my hands through my hair exasperated.
“I need a better explanation than that.”
“Do you really want your first time to be with me?” Insecurity surges.
“Yes.” She’s all confidence.
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“Say the words.” I demand.
“What words?”
“If you don’t know, then you’re not ready to be with me.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You’re a smart girl. You’ll figure it out.”
“Ryan, I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
I don’t understand why I’m so upset either. I just am. This changes things. Makes things deeper. Which I have no problem with, but Alana buries her emotions, and if I’m going to go there with her, she has to let me in, entirely. I can’t have it any other way. And I don’t know if she’s ready or even willing to do that. Maybe I’m asking too much, but she’s different. And I’m not going to be the guy she loses it to, just for the sake of losing it.
“I don’t take sex lightly, Alana. I do it with people I care about. And I’m not about to take your virginity if you’re not—” I stop short.
“If I’m not what?”
“Not ready.”
She cocks an eyebrow at me. “Have I given you any indication I’m not ready?”
“Only that you’re physically ready.”
Alana stares at me for a very long time, studying me, scrutinizing me.
“What is it that you want from me, Ryan?” she finally insists.
What is it that I want?I want her, all of her. To let me in completely. Emotionally, not just physically. Which I fear is the only way I can have her. And I’m quickly coming to realize, if I can’t have every part of her, I may not want any of her at all. And that thought is devastating.
She shakes her head, frustrated when I don’t answer. Then she starts walking to the car. She opens the passenger side door, climbs in, then slams it shut. I climb in just a few seconds after her. I watch as she pulls out the pink baseball cap from the plastic and proceeds to tuck her hair up underneath it. She pulls the brim down so low I can’t see her face, then proceeds to just stare out the window. She has officially frozen me out. Which is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. With a sigh I start the car and head back to the beach house. What a disaster this night has turned out to be.
And the only person I have to blame is myself.