Epilogue
Alana
GivingUp On You
I pack the last box.
I leave for school this afternoon. My first few steps into independence will be ones of heartbreaking agony, because my emotions have been cracked open like a coconut and drained from my body. I’m an empty shell. Which is ironic, because that’s exactly who I was before I met Ryan.
Before he filled my world with light, only to leave me in the dark.
I stare at the little blue sketchbook lying innocently on my bed, next to the box. It’s been taunting me for three weeks. I dare not open it. Not after the last time. Not afterthatnight. Not afterthosewords. Not after he just disappeared.
I’m angry, confused, and hurt, but most of all, I feel so stupid. I let him in. I loved him. I served myself up like a sacrificial lamb, and he didn’t hesitate to destroy me. Ryan will own a part of me forever. A part I can never get back, and it kills me every time I think about it. My first time has been marred, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. There’s no way to amend the experience or wipe away the memory.
The thought drains me mentally.
I keep trying to stifle all these unbearable feelings, but the defiant emotions just spring back no matter how many times I shove them away.
I pick up the sketchbook and pluck at the brown leather string keeping it closed. Inside is every picture Ryan drew for the last three months. It’s our story. It was supposed to be a symbol. An indication of support. Something that said I’d be there for him no matter what. Whether I was at school, or home, or across the country.
I believed in him. And I truly thought he believed in us.
“Knock, knock,” Emily sings as she pokes her head into my room. “All set to start the big, bad institution that is college?”
“I’m packed,” I declare as perky as I can.
“It’s a start.” She stands next to me trying her hardest not to give me a pitiful look. She knows what I’ve been dealing with the last few weeks.
“You doing okay?” she asks delicately.
“Fine,” I reply like I don’t have a care in the world. I take some masking tape and seal the box. I am so ready to get the hell out of here. Out of this house, out of this town, and out of this county. For the first time in my life, I wish I was going to Yale. That way I could be out of the state too.
“Fine. Uh huh. That’s the thirty-seventh ‘fine’ this week. Let’s try again, and this time tell me how you really feel.”
I glance up at Emily with only my eyes. I don’t want to look weak. But at this moment, with one of the few people I trust, in the security of my room, I’ll be honest. “Broken,” I whisper.
“Oh.” Emily throws her arms around me. She’s shorter and tinier than I am, but she feels like a giant wrapped around me. “Honey, you’re only broken if you let him break you.”
“I know you’re right.” I take a deep breath. I will not cry. I refuse. I didn’t cry when he left, and I won’t waste any tears on him now, or ever, for that matter.
“Ryan was a jerk. He fooled us all.” She hugs me tighter. “That asshole was after one thing. His balls should be sliced off and fed to ravenous dogs.”
I snicker. Leave it to Emily to paint a vivid picture.
“Well, if you know where I can find him and a few ravenous dogs, I’d be more than happy to enjoy the show.”
“I bet.” She chuckles sadly. “I wish I never encouraged you to go see him that day. I feel responsible.”
“Em, that’s ridiculous.” I look her right in her sparkling blue eyes. The ones I have always been jealous of. “I went because I wanted to. Yes, you may have given me a nudge, but I have no one to blame but myself. I chose to let him in. I chose to fall in love with him. I take responsibility for all my decisions.”
She frowns. “I know things haven’t been easy for you. With your mother dying and your father, well, being your father. You didn’t deserve this.”
I shrug. “Can’t change the past. But I did learn something from my mistake.”
“What’s that?”
“My father was right. Emotions are nothing but weakness.”