You Don’t know Jack
“Ryan.” She sings my name. “Ryan, come find us.” There’s laughing. Lots of happy laughter, a chorus of voices echoing in the dark.
I struggle desperately to follow the sound. But I can never find it.
“Alana?” I call frantically, but she just keeps laughing while I fall deeper and deeper into the black.“Alana!”I become more desperate. “Alana, Alana...ALANA!”I shoot up out of bed. I’m sweating, panting, and disoriented. That same dream has been haunting me for months.
I look up to find a woman with dark curly hair getting dressed in my room. She blinks at me curiously. Then she walks over and drops a kiss on my lips. “Desiree,” she notes, like I need clarification. “You were amazing,” she purrs, then finishes buttoning her shirt. A moment later, she walks out the door. I know I’m never going to see her again. And that’s perfectly fine with me.
I stare at the empty space for a fraction of a second then drop my head into my hands.
Sometimes an unbound life is an empty life. I lie back down and attempt to sleep the rest of the day away.
* * *
It’s early May.
The temperature is mild, but the energy in the air feels electric. I don’t know what it is. But it’s like it’s sparking all around me. Maybe it’s the change of seasons or a dip in barometric pressure. Maybe it’s the fact that Alana has been haunting my dreams, and this morning’s was the most vivid one by far. I’ve been missing her like crazy lately. More so than usual. I thought time was supposed to heal all. Apparently for me, it’s absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I clasp Lorenzo’s hand as I walk by the main entrance of Culture. He’s already fighting back women with a stick. No one crosses the threshold before eight o’clock. House rules. I enter the secondary doorway, the one that leads down to the male revue. The place is already filling up with staff. A few of the other dancers are mulling around, and two new guys are behind the bar setting up.
I head over to Eddie, the DJ, who is playing around on his turntables.
“Hey!” I get his attention and hand him a jump drive. “New music tonight.”
He nods with one giant headphone covering his ear and takes the drive. After that I head into the staging room. Divan is already there changing.
“’Sup, man?” he asks, pulling on his leather pants.
“Nothing,” I respond casually as I open my locker, then unzip my backpack. “I’m trying something new.” I pull out a black cowboy hat and eye mask. “What do you think?”
Divan takes the hat. “I think you should fling this into the crowd. They’ll fucking love it.” He beams.
“I can do that.” I snatch the hat back and laugh, but I don’t feel contentment when I do. Just emptiness.
For the next few minutes I pace the staging room. Back and forth and back and forth, like a caged friggin’ cat. I crack my neck, my wrists, my fingers like somehow, magically, it will alleviate the festering angst.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Divan asks.
“I don’t know. I’m antsy tonight.” The room feels like it’s shrinking. I consider going out to get some air.
“Drink some coffee. It’ll help.” He thinks he’s funny.
“You’re an ass—”
“Whoo!”I’m suddenly interrupted by a high-pitched yell as Skyler bursts into the room with his high-energy self. He’s one of Daniel’s seasoned performers. He’s a large-muscled ball of bright light who comically dubs himself Officer Orgasm.
“Let’s rock this!” He walks over to his locker and nearly rips the door off opening it. Now, if I didn’t know him as well as I do, I’d think he was cracked out on speed or steroids or some shit. Turns out, he just suffers from attention deficit disorder. “You guys have to fucking see this blonde in the gold dress out there.Hot damn,”he exaggerates as he changes into his police uniform. “She isA-mazing.I call dibs.”
“She’s all yours,” I reply flatly.
“Dude. I don’t know what your deal is with blondes, but this one might change your mind. I’m pretty sure one touch from her, and you’ll feel it in your soul.”
I scoff, “Doubtful.”Highly fucking doubtful it.It doesn’t matter how many women touch this body, only one woman has ever touched this soul.
I’m suddenly catapulted five years into the past and back into that tiny cabana with Alana. My chest literally aches every time I think about her.About us...
“Come over here.”I pull Alana closer to me. It’s the middle of the night. The candles are still flickering, and the ocean is crashing gently against the shore. It’s a soothing sound.