Sean and I devour the entire box of Lucky Charms.
“So,” Sean says as he chomps on his magically delicious cereal. “You’re not interested in a girlfriend, I get that, but what’s up with the no blonde zone?”
I stop chewing. The cereal suddenly feels like rocks in my mouth. I swallow slowly, trying to push down the rage that is rapidly creeping up my throat.
“You seriously have to ask me that?”
Sean looks at me blankly. He genuinely has no idea. And now that I think about it, why would he? He doesn’t know Alana is blonde. He never met her. And I barely ever talked about her.
It still aggravates me nonetheless.
“Sean, I gave up a lot for you when I went to prison.” I hope I’m conveying how much those three and a half years have fucked with my head.
“I know.” His two words are ice cold and calculating. This conversation could become deadly if I’m not careful.
“Alana was more than just some girl I was dating.”
“I know. You loved her.”
“Love her,”I correct him callously. Saying the words aloud nearly cripples me.
“I never asked you to take the fall for me.” he snaps.Mood swing!
“You didn’t do anything to stop me either.” I scream.
I’m suddenly having déjà vu. We’re reliving our last face to face conversation. The one where I threatened his life and punched him in the mouth.
“Maybe if you weren’t such a pussy and stood up for yourself, you wouldn’t be alone or a stripper!”
I shove him up against the wall. All thought and reason gone. “You think I’m a pussy? I did what I did foryou. To saveyou! To save our mother so she didn’t drink herself to death when you died of an overdose in prison! You’re a fucking ungrateful son of a bitch!” I slam him again. “I lost everything, and all you can do is stand there and call me apussy.”
Sean’s eyes are blistering with emotion. I know what he wants. To fight. He wants to throw a punch so hard it knocks me out. I know this because they’re reflecting my own feelings right back at me.
“Get the fuck out!” I jostle him.
He doesn’t move. He’s trying to provoke me.
“Get. Out!” I grab him by the shirt and toss him out the door. Then I pick up the first thing I see, a cereal bowl, and throw it against the wall, shattering it to tiny pieces.
“Fuck!” I storm into the bathroom and turn on a scalding hot shower, leaving the pieces of the bowl, and my heart, scattered all over the kitchen floor.