“Ryan,” I groan. “Are you going to hold thatagainst me forever?”
“No, I just see his point. It’s not who I’dwant my daughter with.”
“If he’s anything like you, you could seepast his indiscretions.”
“Why don’t you just take out student loansand pay for law school yourself?”
“Do you have any idea how expensive Columbiais? I’d be paying off debt for the rest of my life. We’re sort ofin the same boat.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, why do you strip? The money, right?It’s fast, it’s easy, it’s good?”
“Yes.”
“It’s going to get you where you want to gofaster than working some crappy minimum wage job?”
“Hell yeah.”
“It’s all about a means to an end. I don’twant to graduate and work my ass off so all my money can go tostudent loans. I don’t know where I’ll end up after law school. Iwant to work in a big law firm that’s fast paced and high profilelike my uncle’s. But there’s no guarantee that’s what kind of jobI’ll get. So I have to be smart about my future.”
“You’ve thought about this, huh?”
“It’s all I had to think about up untilrecently.”
Ryan runs his thumb across my cheek, “I wantall of your dreams to come true.”
“Then don’t be mad that I have to keep you asecret. Believe me when I tell you it breaks me every time I haveto lie to my father. And it killed me tonight that I couldn’t openthat door and tell him who you are. Tell him how much I love you,how happy you make me. I wish things were different. I wish he weredifferent. But he is who he is, and…“ I turn my head and look away,shit I’m getting emotional.
“And?” Ryan can’t see my face in the dimlight of the room, but I know he can hear the affliction in myvoice.
“And, I’m scared-”
“Of losing everything.” He snaps the puzzlepieces together.
“Yes.” I nuzzle my face against his. “Myeverything is him, you, and me.”
“And law school.”
“And law school,” I agree. “Do you think youwant me enough to suffer through it until I can gain someindependence?” I drop my head onto Ryan’s chest.
“Of course,” he answers without anyhesitation. “I want you enough for the both of us. And I can’timagine one second without you.” He kisses my head and I squeezehim tightly.
“Good, because I promise once this is allover, I’ll make it up to you for the rest of your life.”
Ryan snickers, “smooth move stealing my linecounselor.”
“What can I say? I’m a girl who does what shehas to, to get what she wants.”
“And what’s that exactly?” Ryan asks as heruns one finger delicately through my hair.
“You, and happily ever after.”
“Is there such a thing?”
I shrug, “I guess we’re going to findout.”
My last exam forfall semester was Thursday, December 16th. So as part-celebrationand part-big gesture for Ryan, I set up dinner with him and myfamily at the Palm, a steakhouse on 2nd Avenue. Well, with myextended family that is. My father may never accept him, but I haveno doubt my uncle John will. I want Ryan to know he’s important andmy uncle has been salivating to meet him, so I’m satisfying twocravings at once.