“That must happen to you all the time,” Hannah adds.
“More so with adults, but yeah, often enough.”
“Is it weird?”
“It’s definitely less weird when they’re small, can’t say Qatar, and cute as hell.”
“Oh my god, right? I wanted to carry him around in my pocket,” she coos.
Our breathy chuckles intermingle in the dark as she shuffles closer. Her knee wedged between my thighs, ankles locked together, I tug her flush against me. Those legs of hers are warm, and I know if I dove my hand under the blanket, I’d find nothing but smooth skin all the way up to the hem of her sleep shorts.
But I’m in control, I remind myself. I keep my hand on top of the comforter, holding her close, the other folded around hers under the cool pillow.
“Did seeing him make you think about your dad?”
My heart stumbles. Of course she’d witness my interaction with a googly-eyed boy eager for his dad’s return and know I was thrust back into the memory of the day my daddidn’tcome home.
A lump forms in my throat and it’s a long time before I manage to speak. “I still can’t eat banana bread.”
She doesn’t reply even though I know what I said makes zero sense without context. Her thumb coasts over my knuckles—waiting, ready to listen.
“My mom,” I croak, voice rough. I clear my throat. “Mom had just pulled a loaf of banana bread out of the oven when the soldiers rang the doorbell. The smell, the taste…I just can’t.”
“Makes sense.”
“When Micah said his dad’s coming home soon I thought to myself, I really, really hope that’s true.” I pause, take a breath. “And then this overwhelming sense of gratitude came over me.”
Her brows crinkle. No judgment or confusion, just curious. A gentle nudge to go on. And thedéjà vuof it all—lying side by side in bed, whispering secrets in the dark—washes away every hesitation I’ve had about talking through the shitty headspace I’ve been in recently.
“I wasn’t planning to retire for a long time. But then, with Mom’s accident, everything changed, and I’ve struggled with this resentment over losing my career before I was ready for it to end.”
For months, I’ve shouldered the guilt of feeling this way about something as trivial as a job. Yes, the work I did mattered and I’m damn proud of it. But Mom and Nana and Pops always tried to instill the importance of family over glory. And until Micah looked up at me with those big, bright eyes and I saw that baby girl on his mom’s hip, I think I’d lost sight of that.
“In four generations of Shaw men, I’ll be the first one whose children won’t have to watch their dad deploy. They’ll never have to worry about whether or not I’ll come home. I won’t miss birthdays or baseball games because…I’ll actually be there. I’ll be home to tuck them in every night.”
Hannah’s mouth tilts in the shadows, and I trace the lines of it with my finger.
I think I memorized the taste of her lips the moment I kissed her. When I marched us out to that parking lot earlier, it’d dawned on me how insanely lucky I was to bepresentin my life. For Mom. For the family I dream of having one day. And for the woman I get to keep for a couple more weeks. To waste another secondnotkissing her suddenly seemed insane.
“I’m just really, really lucky,” I whisper, dipping in for a kiss. Brief. Tender.Reverent.
She pulls back an inch, mouth moving over mine. “You’re gonna be a really good dad.”
An unbearable ache settles behind my ribs. I kiss her again to try and staunch the pain.
I know the answer will hurt, but I’m a glutton for punishment when it comes to her. “Tell me something real, Hannah.”
Her gaze lances through me as sharp as the swallow that moves down her throat. “I really wish I could be there to see it.”
31
do it for the bear cubs
Rowan - five years ago
I power up the generator,the low buzz slicing the otherwise perfectly still air. Using a flashlight, I navigate around to the front door of the camper where I left Hannah. We’re on the far corner of my grandparent’s property, tucked behind a curtain of forest thick enough to shield Pops’ cabin entirely from view.
The rickety iron steps creak underneath my feet, and I twist my body to fit through the narrow frame. Hannah waits just inside the door while I make sure all the lights and toilet are in working order. There’s a comfortable chill in the air tonight so it’s not stuffy or cold inside, but I crack a few windows to air it out anyway.