“I told you there was a work emergency.”
“Yes, well, nonetheless, you’ll still have two weeks to see if he might be someone you want to accompany you.”
I shrug and avert my gaze. “Maybe.”But not likely.
She sets her fork aside. “Okay, I need to say something?—”
“Mom, please don’t,” I cut in, too tired for this conversation.
She lifts a hand and my neck stiffens. Mom is donning her mom-face—she’s the boss right now so I keep my thoughts to myself.
“After your father left, I thought I was doing the right thing by reorganizing our life to be all about us. I thought it would distract us both, the wholewe don’t need himthing. And don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, I love how it’s been you and me for so long, but I see now how it’s caused you to alter your life too much for me. You’ll drop anything, Haddy. Relationships. Friendships. Time for yourself. You’ve given them all up for me and that’s not fair to you.”
My gut churns. Yes, I’ve canceled dates, adjusted my work schedule to take care of her but…that’s what I’m supposed to do. The only family I have left in this world—my soulmate—has been dying for the better part of eight years, and she’d prefer I sit back and watch it happen from my place across town?
“I don’t know how to not care. You’re my mom.”
“Oh, Haddy.” She reaches for my hand. “I’m not asking you to stop caring. You are the best thing this life has ever given me. But I’m saying this because I love you: you have my permission to be selfish now.”
I scoff, swiping a tear off my cheek.
“Until my last breath, sweetheart, it’ll be you and me against the world. But what happens when I’m gone?”
I fall into a pit of despair. I cry myself to sleep every night. I won’t know how to get out of bed in the morning.
“My time is limited. But your time is now and take it from me, you don’t know how much of it you have left. Please don’t waste another second of it on my account.”
“Time with you isn’t time wasted.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I could never regret a single moment we spend together, Hannah. And I’m going to cherish every last one we get between now and the end. But…” Her eyes search mine. “Not every one of your moments has to belong to me.”
I manage a weak nod and squeeze her hand, agreeing not because it’s what I want, but because it’s what she wants.
On the way home,I stop for gas. Same station I frequent regularly just outside downtown Boulder. Pump lock in place, I foldmy arms and lean against the passenger door to watch the numbers tick by.
Mom’s plea echoes through my brain in relentless waves.
You have my permission to be selfish.
Your time is now. You don’t know how much of it you have left.
Being selfish isn’t in my nature. But I tried it once.
The hiss of gasoline spilling into the tank is a steady hum at my back when I turn toward the station. A parking lot littered with oil stains. Metal trash can by the door. And just inside, blurred behind hazy glass windows, the flashing neonHot Dogssign stares back at me like it remembers too.
4
dying raccoon aesthetic
Hannah - five years ago
The helmet-cladstranger pulls into a parking spot near the gas station entrance, bike jerking when he comes to a stop. I dismount with the grace-equivalent of a three-legged fawn, no doubt flashing my crotch to everyone pumping gas across the lot.
Air is scarce and I can’t fill my lungs fast enough. Not even the three miles between me and my nowex-fiancé is enough to keep the tears at bay.
I drop the train of my dress—dirt, grime, and grease be damned. Pawing at my face, I try to rein in my emotions as I pace the area around the motorcycle.
I’m humiliated.Livid.