My stomach plummets because financially?I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to swing the cost of the five-day baseball camp he wants to go to over spring break in just over a month, but I know he’s desperate to go.“It’s a good motivation to have,” I reply as I head into the kitchen for a glass of water.Hopefully, the liquid will ease my dry throat.
How am I going to afford four hundred dollars?The payment is due in less than two weeks, so I’d better figure it out soon.Maybe I can find out if anyone else in town is hiring.Another job won’t hurt.Who needs sleep?
He writes something down on his paper, then closes the binder and math book.After stretching, he grabs both and stands.“I’m going to head to bed.Practice starts first thing in the morning.”
“You said you need to be at the school by six?”
“Yeah.I can walk if I need to.I know it’s early.”
“Absolutely not,” I reply.“It’s not early at all.I am so excited for you, sweetie.”
“Thanks, Mom.”He smiles at me, a wide, bright smile that intensifies the fear in my heart.Because if he knew just how impossible it’s going to be for the camp, uniform, and equipment, I know he’d give up on his dream to play baseball.
“You’re welcome.See you in the morning.”
“See you in the morning.Love you, Mom.”He kisses me on the cheek.
“I love you, too, honey.See you in the morning.”
With one final smile, he heads into his bedroom and closes the door.
As soon as I’m alone, I wrap both arms around myself and struggle to keep my emotions in check as I fight the horrible thoughts that we were better off before.
We weren’t.
Financially, we had it all.A house far too big for three people, a fully stocked refrigerator, a private chef, three maids…but physically?Mentally?We were drowning.It was only a matter of time before Victor put his hands on Thomas or did to me in front of our son what he already did in private.
The fists weren’t worth the financial stability that came with them.Even if it means I get another job, I’ll do it.Whatever it takes to make sure my son has everything he needs.That heneverfeels the absence of a man who never even wanted to be a father and certainly didn’t let me forget it.
After turning off the lights to the kitchen, I head into the living room and remove the couch cushions to pull out my bed.That way, it’s ready as soon as I’m out of the shower.
God’s got this,I remind myself.He’ll show me the path, and everything will be fine.But deep down, those thoughts that I’m not good enough for God, my son—for anything—threaten to drown me.