“I’ll do it.” But tell him what, exactly?Hal, two days ago your mother told me she couldn’t live without me, and then I had a full-fledged panic attack because I realizedIcouldn’t live withouther, so I accidentally proposed to Sadie and took her on an impromptu road trip, the highlights of which included an erotic experience at Burger Bliss and the best orgasm of my entire life in a shitty desert motel.
Obviously not that. “We have feelings for one another. Romantic feelings. And we’re still in the process of figuring out what’s next. Which is why we fought earlier. That’s what made your mom so upset.”
“Feelings.” A muscle twitched in Hal’s cheek. “Okay. So are you two not straight? Is that what you’re telling me?”
Sadie sat up. “I wouldn’t say that labels are the best—”
“I’m a lesbian,” Anne blurted out.
A beat of silence.
Sadie closed her mouth. Opened it again. Her face struggled with something Anne wanted to understand and couldn’t, except that it was naked. “Anne,” she said. “Anne, oh my God.”
Anne turned to her, suddenly desperate for Sadie to know everything. “I came out to James earlier. On his doorstep, if you can believe it. After you left, I drove over there, and he opened the door, and I just, I just said it without knowing I was going to.Arthur knows, too. I wanted—oh, I thought about you, the whole time, I thought about you. I wanted you there when I did it, but you were—you were gone. And I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I couldn’t stop myself. Even if it scares me, Sadie, Ihaveto have this.”
Sadie’s smile was shaky, gentle. “I know you do.”
Looking down at her lap, Anne said slowly, “I could’ve died first,” and realized the awful accuracy of it as she spoke. “I could’ve lived the rest of my life and never known. I almost did.”
The realization stunned her. She could’ve kept living the same way she’d always lived, maybe two or three more decades of self-denial, and then the grave. No longings she couldn’t fully control. No chance to look back on a lifetime with new understanding and grief. Never this blazing confession of hers, her old self ripped open by an exit wound.
“But now,” she continued, her voice cracking, “Iknow. And I’m not going to waste one more second.”
“Good God.” Sadie grabbed her own elbows, hard, as though she needed to tether herself to her body. “You came out. I can’t believe—you cameout.”
Tears brimmed in Anne’s eyes again. “Yeah, I sure did. And I’ll keep coming out. As many times as I need to. Brooke and Claire are next, then”—she inhaled—“I guess I’ll have to sit down with a glass of—sit down and make a few calls.”
“Wow.” Hal stood up, still cradling Kaisley, who had slept right through one of the most consequential moments of her grandmother’s life. “Hey, uh, Anne? I’d be lying if I said I had a handle on anything that’s happening right now, but it seems like you’ve been figuring out some big stuff for yourself, and that’s great. Way to go.”
“It is great, right?” She gave him a smile, a real one. “Thank you, Hal. Very much.”
Sadie sniffed once, and then again, wiping quickly at her cheek.
“On that note”—Hal rubbed Kaisley’s back gently—“I’m going to give this kid back to her mom. You two probably need to talk some more anyway, I’m guessing.”
“Baby boy,” Sadie said quietly, “are you all right? I’m sorry you’re finding out this way. I know we usually share everything.”
“I’m okay with it, I promise. I just need to process a lot of stuff.” A shadow darkened his face, and Anne wondered if Hal was thinking about his parents’ marriage.
“I understand.” Sadie’s hands, squeezed into loose fists, lightly hammered her knees, a burst of energy that didn’t seem to have anywhere else to go. “Please don’t say anything about this yet to anyone else, all right? Talisha excepted—are you on board with that, Anne? I don’t want to ventriloquize.”
Anne nodded. One less conversation she’d have to have.
“But no one else for the moment. We still need to”—the loose fists disintegrated into a flurry of fingers—“figure out some things first before we’re ready to discuss this with anyone else.”
“That’s fine. I can keep my mouth shut. I’m a big kid.” Hal leaned down into Sadie’s chair, cupping Kaisley’s head as he dipped, and kissed the top of his mother’s head. “Love you, Mom. I really do. A whole lot. Nothing could ever, ever change that. You know that’s true, right?”
Sadie grabbed at his head and kept him pressed a little longer against her scalp before letting go. Obvious pain flashed across her features. “Tell me one more time, will you?”
Like it was the easiest thing in the world for him, Hal did, and while he talked to her, Sadie touched his cheek briefly with the flat of her palm.
For once, the ache that briefly took over Anne’s body had nothing to do with sex, but still everything to do with wanting.
“I love you too, peanut.” Sadie patted Hal’s cheek. “More than you could ever understand. Although you’ll have a better idea in a few months.”
Once Hal was gone, Sadie rose from her chair. Slowly, she knelt in front of Anne, wincing a little as she did. The living room rug wasn’t very thick.
“Don’t kneel,” Anne protested. “You strained something, didn’t you? At the motel?”