And here came the plain and simple truth of it, rising up inside Anne, unmistakable for anything but what it was: Anne couldn’t live without Sadie.
What did that mean?
She couldn’t—shecouldn’tlook at it—
The pain in Anne’s chest constricted like a hand making a fist. Any minute now, she’d be able to regain control over herself and stop crying. Any minute.
“Anne!” The door handle rattled.
Goddamn it. Sadie didn’t ever know when to give up.
“Anne? Would you please let me in?” A pause. “I can’t leave until I know you’re all right.”
“Go—a—way—Sa—die—!” Humiliatingly, each syllable had its own sobbing breath.
“No dice, sunshine. Not when you’re like this. Just remember, panic attacks are like a rip current. You don’t fight them, you swim parallel to the shore. Listen to my voice. Breathe. In, out. In, out. In, out. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Anne thought:Why does that terrify me?She thought:It’s a bad idea to go swimming in the ocean because sometimes people can’t find their way back.
“Anne?” A gentle tapping sound on the door. “Are you listening to me?”
Anne pressed a hand to her breastbone and tried, as hard as she could, to breathe normally.Please, God,she said to herself.Oh, please.And again and again.Please, please, please.
She begged as hard as she could for something she couldn’t name. It wasn’t the kind of prayer Anne had been taught as a child, the kind with two hands pressed piously together. Instead, she had one tight fist squeezed against her heaving chest, trying helplessly to stop the wave.
* * *
It took a half hour for Anne’s panic to fade. Curled up on her bed, legs pulled in toward her chest as close as she could get them without an answering twinge in her lower back, she began to breathe more regularly again.
No sound outside her bedroom door. Maybe Sadie had finally given up and gone home, waiting there for when Anne would be ready to talk.
Yes, at some point, she’d obviously have to give Sadie an explanation so Anne could pretend she hadn’t made a complete fool out of herself. Over nothing, really, at all. But she needed a little more time to wash her face and come up with a good smile that said,What, that? You’re so sweet to be concerned, but see?Everything’s just fine.
Because everything reallywasfine. Anne could see that, now that she’d calmed down. Sadie didn’t want to go anywhere without her best friend, and for Anne, that thought felt like waking up after one of her nightmares: realizing that she wasn’t late for an important event, that no one was chasing her, that her teeth were still in her mouth.
There was nothing to panic about because Sadie didn’t want to leave her. Which meant that nothing would have to change.
I can’t live without you, Sadie had told her.
Anne stared out the big picture window on the right side of the room, at the tall grass in the meadow between her house and Hedge Nettle. It bent gently with the slight breeze.
There was no reason at all to panic, except that—in Anne’s experience of the world—nobody refused to move because they couldn’t bear to leave a friend they’d only known for four years. That wasn’t in Anne’s carefully indexed list of reasonable actions. You only did something like that for a—with someone you were—someone you couldn’t live without—
When she opened the bedroom door, hoping for an empty hallway, Anne was met instead with Sadie, who appeared to have fallen asleep. She sat on the floor, her back against the wall next to the bedroom door, velour-covered legs slightly bent to one side.
She hadn’t left.
For a moment, Anne stood in the doorway and watched her best friend in silence, the gentle rise and fall of Sadie’s chest almost hypnotic. She could sleep anywhere, at any time. Often did.
Sadie’s tie was askew, her lapels uneven and a bit wrinkled. That wasn’t like her. Despite Sadie’s jumbled decor, her clothing was always impeccably arranged.
Instinctively, Anne took a step forward, her hand lifting, and then a thought hissed through her mind before she could stop it:Touching her will make it true.
She inhaled sharply, and her hand dropped.
What wasit?
“Anne?” Sadie’s eyes opened. “Oh, thank God. Are you all right?”