“James,” she said.
He stopped at the French doors and turned around.
“How did you know?”
The question left her mouth before Anne had a chance to realize it was there. She gripped the rosé bottle harder, deeply regretting that it was unopened. For some reason, she felthorribly exposed, like she’d pulled open her sternum, shown her ex-husband the bones and meat and gristle that disproved the lie of her smooth surface.
“How did I know I was gay?” A note of wariness lanced James’s voice.
No. Anne didn’t want to know about that. She’d never wanted to know about that. Never would. “How did you know about Arthur? That he was—the one?” It hurt to say. “That you loved him?”
“Well,” James said slowly. “I didn’t know, for a little while. And then—I just knew. All at once. Are you sure you want to hear this, Anne?”
Absolutely not. And yet something inside Anne pushed her forward. “I asked, didn’t I?”
“We were having dinner at Spago, about six, seven weeks after I met him. The conversation turned to dream trips. Bucket list items. You know.”
James had always hated vacations. They’d taken him away from his work. “Go on.”
“Arthur said he was planning to spend a few weeks in Europe later that year. Hole away in some renovated chateau in France, do nothing but go for long walks, drink wine, eat cheese, watch the stars. And I thought,We could do that together. Then I thought,I can’tnotdo that with him. I can’t be apart from him.I have to be with him.And then I thought,I can’t live without him.Simple as that.”
“Simple,” Anne echoed. Her heart knocked painfully against her ribs. “How could it be simple?”
James shrugged. A gentle smile opened his face and made it look so much younger than his sixty-five years. “With Arthur, everything’s simple.”
Once he’d gone outside, Anne stood there, unable to move. She watched James through the doors while he put a hand onhis husband’s shoulder, leaning in as though he couldn’t bear another minute away.
On the other side of the deck, Sadie laughed so loudly that Anne could feel it hum through her body.
“I need another drink,” she said to nobody and then went to open the rosé. It was a party, after all, so she wouldn’t store the bottle in the pantry, next to the crate of wine hidden inside a back cabinet. Hidden for no reason at all, really, except that, for some reason, Anne didn’t want Sadie to see it.
* * *
A good hostess always sat apart from her spouse at dinner.
Of course, Anne hadn’t had a spouse in nearly five years, but as her co-organizer, Sadiewasa little like a spouse, at least when it came to dining-party etiquette. So Anne sat at one end of the long dining table and Sadie sat at the other, each responsible for ensuring the guests nearest to them had a nice time.
Because it was impolite to cluster family together, Claire and Arthur were at Sadie’s end while Anne had Sadie’s son and daughter-in-law on either side of her with Brooke, Brooke’s husband Dan, and James in the middle.Seat me across from Dan, I’ll take the bullet, James had texted Anne that morning—probably the best birthday gift he could give her.
Honestly, Anne found Sadie’s family easier to relax around than her own. Hal was a pretty remarkable kid, only a couple years out of business school and already an internal auditor for Disney. His wife, Talisha, a lawyer, had the kind of sharp intelligence behind her eyes that was obvious to anyone who knew how to look.
As much as Sadie loved Hal, she hated the professional choices he’d made.
“For God’s sake, Sadie, he’s anaccountant,” Anne had told her once. “Successful, kind, smart. He worships you. He’s never given you a second’s worth of trouble. I don’t understand how you could be even the slightest bit disappointed by him.”
“He’s an accountant forDisney.” Like it was a crime. “That brilliant brain, that gorgeous heart, and he throws away those gifts on generating more profit for one of the world’s richest corporations. I used to hope he’d show interest in rabbinical school, I told him repeatedly we need more Black Jews on the bimah, but—oh, Talisha—nowthere’ssomeone who’s giving back to the world. An environmental rights lawyer! Thank God he married her. Maybe she’ll rub off on him.”
They’d rubbed off on each other, apparently. Talisha was five months along and glowing, her dark skin rich beneath the lights that illuminated the dining table.
“Have you two discussed names yet?” Anne took a delicate bite of her salmon sashimi. She’d had Nobu include a separate order of lamb rosemary miso for Talisha, who couldn’t eat raw fish at the moment. A good hostess always made sure her guests’ dietary restrictions were seamlessly addressed.
“Right now,ElijahandAyanaare the front-runners.” Hal grinned. “Although Mom is pushing hard forSonnetorBarnabas. I told her we’d take them under consideration.”
“We will absolutelynottake them under consideration,” Talisha cut in. “Baby, you know how I feel”—a quick glance at the end of the table, where Sadie sat engrossed in conversation—“about your mom’s name preferences.”
Hal’s full name was Halston Du Bois Abraham Rosenthal-Clark. His mother had named her only child after her favorite fashion designer, her favorite intellectual, and her favorite grandfather, using the same madcap principle with which she decorated and dressed: assembling from a rich bag of treasures.Apparently, as a child, it had taken Hal years to learn how to spell the entire thing.
“With all due respect to Hal,” Anne said, “I agree strongly.”