“You know you didn’t deserve that, right?” I asked him, meeting his eyes. “You didn’t deserve the way she treated you.”
“Yeah,” he whispered, his gaze lifting to mine. “I know.”
I placed a kiss over his heart and then settled back against his shoulder. “Good.”
“Lea, you—you really are incredible,” he said softly. “I never thought I’d ever get to meet someone as special as you.”
“I’m not special, Beau. Trust me.”
There was a pause, and then, “I think you are. And, Lea…I’m pretty sure…no, I know that I-I love?—”
Panic made me press two fingers to his mouth to stop the flow of his words. “Please don’t. Please.”
And just like that, the light in his eyes died.
“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head and pulling away from me. He was flushed now, but it was with humiliation. It was thefirst time I hated seeing that color on him. “I’m so sorry. I know you?—”
“No, it’s—it’s okay, Beau, I’m sorry, I’m just…I’m not ready,” I finished on a whisper, grabbing at him. Needing him to stay. Never wanting him to leave.
Would I ever be ready? If even Beau’s almost declaration—good, sweet, precious Beau—wasn’t enough to reach through the pain, was I just…broken?
At the same time, part of me wanted to yell at Beau, to shake him and tell him to take what he wanted, for him to demand I let him finish his sentence and accept what he was offering because he didn’t deserve to be cut off by a coward.
But I couldn’t. I’d ruined another moment.
It seemed the shitty common denominator here was me.
Beau was stiff by my side, his head turned toward the window. Away from me.
“Beau, I’m sorry,” I said, a knife twisting in my gut. “I’m so sorry.”
“What did he do to you?” His voice was flat, and the knife twisted deeper.
“Who?”
“Lyle.” The bitter way he said his name took me aback because I’d never heard him speak like that before.
“I…” But didn’t he deserve to know the reason I couldn’t accept his words? That I was too afraid to hear them or return them?
I let my eyes fall to Beau’s chest, wanting to drown myself in his sea of freckles. With a heavy sigh, I said, “He broke my heart. We dated in high school and college, and I gave him everything because I thought he was it for me. I truly thought he felt the same, but he was seeing someone else behind my back. Even after I walked in on him fucking another guy, I didn’t know it wasn’t a one-time thing. He tried to tell me he was drunk, that he’d made a mistake. But the guy he cheatedwith found me a few months later and told me that him and Lyle had been seeing each other for almost nine months. He said Lyle had told him he was single.” I laughed, but it was devoid of humor. It was hard to think how naïve—how gullible—I’d been back then. It was hard to remember those moments, because the feelings of utter devastation always followed.
“I had a difficult time after that. I completely lost my self-esteem because at first I was convinced that it was some failure of my own that had led to him stepping out on me. I know now that it wasn’t—that he was the defective one—but it still destroyed a big part of myself. The part that believed in love. That believed Icouldbe loved—wholly and completely.”
It was more than I’d been intending to say. And yet, I was glad Beau knew now. It hadn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be, sharing such a painful part of my past with him. I thought maybe that was because I knew Beau wouldn’t judge me or pity me. He would simply listen and…be there. A solid, steady rock with a heart of pure gold. He was someone I could lean on, could trust my deepest fears with.
Oh.
Well, that was quite the revelation, wasn’t it?
Beau was quiet as he stared out the window.
An anxious energy buzzed through my veins. What was he thinking? What did he think of me now?
“So you…you understand why I can’t…why it’s…” I couldn’t get the words past the enormous lump in my throat.
“Yeah,” he said, completely dejected. “I do.”
He startled me when he turned his head abruptly and locked his eyes on mine. “Some people just don’t appreciate the value of what they have. I know it makes you feel like you’re worth nothing when you get treated like you’re nothing. Trust me—I know. But, Lea…” He brought his hand up, hesitated, then let it fall to his stomach. “If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that there are people out there who are able to see your worth and know exactly how you deserve to be treated. That guy had no right doing that to you. I’m sorry you had to go through that—that he betrayed you like that. That he hurt you so horribly.” He paused, his gaze steady on mine as I hung onto every single word he was giving me. “I would never, ever hurt you. I would rather die—hey, don’t cry.”