I jumped off Beau, his soft cock slipping from me, and practically ran to the dresser. “We should get cleaned up and eat something,” I suggested in a light tone, my heart pounding. My hands trembled as I rummaged through my underwear drawer, and I was so damn tired of having zero control over my body tonight.
“Oh…yeah. Of course,” Beau said softly, and the disappointment in his voice sliced into me like a newly sharpened blade.
Fuck.
I couldn’t bear for him to feel bad. Not after what we’d just done. He should be basking in the afterglow, and here I was, ruining the mood again.
I grabbed a pair of silk shorts and quickly wiped myself with a hand towel. I’d take a shower soon, but this would do for now. I pulled on the shorts and turned around to find him sitting on the edge of the mattress, elbows on his thighs, head down as he wrung his hands. He’d taken off the condom and pulled his boxers back on, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit.
Again.
I crossed the space between us, knelt between his legs, and took his hands in mine. “Hey,” I said softly, pressing a kiss to his palm. “I really need your help.”
Confusion overtook the disappointment, and he asked, “With what?”
“You fucked meso hard,” I said, inching closer on my knees. “That I’ve got no energy left to clean myself.” I tilted my head up and licked along his bottom lip. “Will you help me?”
Beau’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, his hands tightening on mine. “I would do anything for you.”
And just like that, I wanted to cry again.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” I said hoarsely, my throat feeling way too tight. My smile wobbled a little, as unsteady as Ifelt, and Beau pulled his hand from mine and swept his fingers along the side of my head.
“Thank you. For being with me,” he whispered. “I don’t even know why you would want to?—”
I slapped my palm over his mouth so fast that his eyes went wide in surprise. Anger shot through me at his words. I wanted to go find everyone in his past that had ever made him doubt himself and slice them into ribbons.
“No,” I said vehemently. “I’ll tell you why I would be with you, Beau. You’re the most kindhearted person I’ve ever met. You’re sweet and genuine and so damn perfect that I want to wrap my arms around you and never let anyone ever hurt you. I have never met anyone asgoodas you. You tell me I’m good all the time. That I’m beautiful. Butyou’rethe one who’s good and beautiful. You’re the one who deserves those words. Not me. I’m not like you, Beau. I’m not always nice. I’m selfish. I’m being selfish right now, because you shouldn’t be doing this with me, but I don’t want you doing it with anyone else. I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you, so if I have to be selfish, then?—”
Beau shoved my hand away and slanted his mouth over mine, his fingers sifting through the hair on the back of my head, his tongue slipping past my lips. I groaned and tangled my tongue with his, and as the kiss gentled, he nipped at my lips and drew back. It felt like a soft, pink cloud had settled over my entire body. When I opened my eyes, Beau was gazing down at me with a tenderness that squeezed at my heart.
“You’re not selfish,” he said softly. “How can you be selfish when you’ve given me so many good feelings? You make me feel like I’m worth something. Like I matter. You keep making me feel all these things, Lea, and I just—I wish you could see what I see,” he said, voice rough with emotion. “Because I seeyou. And I never want to look anywhere else.”
“Beau…” I whispered, caught in his soft eyes, in the love that was shining in them. I was actually speechless. Frozen in this moment, locked in the delicate newness of something that was starting to eclipse all the pain of the past.
It all felt like nothing in the face of Beau’s words.
I jumped when Judy’s voice came through the door as she pounded on it, my forehead bumping into Beau’s nose. “Fuck,” I muttered. “Sorry, are you okay?”
His nose was scrunched in the most endearing way as he rubbed it with his fingers. “Yeah,” he said.
“Hey! Where’s the remote, Lea? Don’t even pretend to be asleep because I just heard you two talking!” Judy yelled through the door.
I closed my eyes and sighed. “I guess she’s home. I’ll be right back,” I said to Beau, kissing his cheek as I stood up. I grabbed my robe from the hook on the back of the door and pulled it on as Judy started pounding again. “I’m coming!” I shouted. “Fuck!”
With a glance back at Beau to make sure he wouldn’t be visible to Judy when I opened the door—he’d gotten under the covers and was beet red—I slipped out of the room.
“Judy,” I said, suddenly exhausted. She had her hands on her hips like a disappointed mother. “You seriously couldn’t find the remote yourself? What do you need to be watching TV for, it’s almost midnight.”
Judy followed me down the hall, her bare toes nipping at my heels and making me stumble. “I’m a night owl,” she said. “And just a suggestion, you should consider putting a TV in your guest room.”
“It’s not a guest room because I don’t haveguests,” I told her.
As annoying as my sister was, I loved her. She just made it really, really hard sometimes to find that love, especially when she showed up out of the blue to stay for a week.
On the other hand, I had her unannounced arrival to thank for everything that was happening with Beau. If we hadn’t agreed to pretend to be dating, we wouldn’t have been forced to share a room, to spend more time together. He probably wouldn’t have come out to me, or kissed me…
Damn. The thought of that not happening actually made me feel sick.