With a long sigh, Lea said, “I made a mistake, Beau.”
Ice displaced every ounce of warmth inside of me, spreading and hardening at a rapid pace.
Lea was oblivious to what his words did as he went on. “I shouldn’t have—you were in a vulnerable place, and I took advantage of that, and I’m really sorry. But even more, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to—to do something like that again.”
He slid to the edge of his chair and his voice was vehementwhen he said, “But Beau, I want you to know that I’m really,reallyproud of you for coming out to me last night. And I’m humbled that you felt safe enough with me to do that. It was brave and incredible and you should be proud of yourself, okay? I hope you are. You can talk to me about that kind of stuff anytime, my door is always open in that regard. I just think—I think you were feeling a lot of things, that we both got caught up in it, and that’s okay, it’s not like we did anything wrong, but it can’t happen again. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
A wave of humiliation pummeled me over and over again. I was sick to my stomach and I knew I was about to cry. That was the last thing I wanted to do right now. How pathetic would it be if I just started bawling because he was rejecting me? He had every right to say and feel these things—in fact, I shouldn’t be upset at all. He’d given me an experience I would never, ever forget, and I should have expected things would end this way.
But…but what if he knew how I felt about him? No, that wouldn’t change a thing, would it? Because even though I didn’t think, for one second, that what we did had been a mistake, Leadidthink that. And he never wanted to do it again.
Maybe I’d been so bad at it that he was just trying to let me down lightly.
“Did I d-do something wrong?” My voice was just a rough whisper as I stared down at the floor. I couldn’t look him in the eye right now.
“Oh, Beau.No, not at all, you didn’t do anything wrong, babe.”
I wished he wouldn’t use endearments right now. It was only shoving the knife deeper.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lea slide forward to the edge of the chair. “Beau. Can you look at me? Please?” When I shook my head, he sighed. “I just—you didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. You were great. It was great. It just has to be aone time thing. I don’t—I can’t—fuck,” he muttered. He stood up and started pacing. “You’re great, Beau. You’re a lovely person, and I had fun, I did, but I don’t do—I’m just not the kind of person you need right now. Okay?”
God those words stung. The truth I’d been denying for a while now was like a slap in the face.
I was great, apparently. Just not great enough for Lea. I’d known that. All along, I’d known that, but I let myself keep the hope that maybe…maybe I was wrong.
Didn’t he know he was exactly the person I needed? But instead of saying that, I just nodded. “Yeah. All right.”
Lea made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and stopped in front of me. “Beau. Please look at me.”
I tried to shove every bit of sadness this conversation had sewn across my soul down deep somewhere and looked up at Lea. His brows were drawn tightly together, and he was searching my face, my eyes, for something.
I gave him nothing. “I get it, Lea,” I said, thankful my voice was steady. “It’s fine. We’re good. Like you said, I was just…I got caught up in the moment.”
He tugged his lower lip between his teeth as his eyes pierced mine, still searching. I felt as naïve and foolish as he probably thought I was. Lea didn’t do romantic entanglements, and I wasn’t sure why I thought I’d be any different.
Not thought.Hoped.
Well, now I knew better than to hope for something with someone who didn’t want anything. Especially not with me.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “If you want me to sleep on the couch, I will.”
I shook my head. “Judy will be suspicious.”
And then what Judy had said the first day she got here popped into my head. She’d mentioned someone named Lyle. Was he the reason Lea didn’t want to get more than physical with his lovers?
I jumped when he raised his voice. “Oh, fuck this stupid fucking ruse, I don’t care what my family might do anymore, I care about y?—”
“Who’s Lyle?” I asked, and Lea’s entire face went from aggravated to shuttered in an instant. But I saw the flash of surprise and pain before he closed himself off to me.
Yeah. He’d been hurt. Well, fuck Lyle for hurting someone as amazing as Lea.
“Where’d you hear that name?” he asked, an edge to his tone now.
“Judy.”
He turned sideways, like he was about to go marching out the door, but stopped. “Well Judy shouldn’t be talking about things that aren’t her business. I’ll sleep on the couch. I don’t care what Judy or the rest of my family thinks, I’m not gonna put you through this anymore. I never should have done it in the first place. I’ve already been the most selfish prick ever when it comes to you, and it’s time I put you first.” Lea started yanking open drawers and agitatedly grabbing clothes out of them.
I hated seeing him like this. I knew he was hurting. Despite everything that had just happened, despite the boundaries he’d just enforced, I got up off the bed, walked to Lea, and wrapped my arms around him from behind, resting my head between his shoulder blades. He stilled, then let out a shaky exhale