All I wanted to do was rid him of those awful feelings. I reached up to touch his face, realized what I was doing, and curled my fingers into a fist, letting it rest against his chest.
“I’m s-sorry,” I said, all the magic of the day evaporating. My eyes welled with tears, a knot formed in my throat as the reality of what could’ve happened started to sink in. “I’m really sorry, I thought we weren’t out that far and I should have told you that I couldn’t swim, and I know Shea would be so upset if anything happened t-to?—”
“Beau, this has nothing to do with Shea,” he said, splaying his hands on either side of my face. The wet strands of his pink hair clung to his temple, and I wanted to brush it aside. “Forget Shea for a moment, okay? This has everything to do with you putting yourself in danger. Serious danger. Do you know how many people drown out here every year? If there was a strong current, you would’ve been pulled away and—”He let go of me, stepped back, and rubbed his hands down his face.
The impulse to step into him and wrap my arms around him was so strong that if he hadn’t turned around right then, I would have.
“Fuck!” He sat down hard, knees drawn up, elbows propped atop them, and shaking hands grabbing fistfuls of his hair.
That awful tightness in my chest twisted sharply, and without thinking, I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry I scared you, Lea.”
Other than Shea, I had never in my life had anyone care about my wellbeing. It was almost surreal, seeing Lea this upset by my carelessness. Flashes of last night flitted through my mind; Lea’s distress, how scared he’d been. He was scared now, too. And even though I didn’t understand why—I was nobody, nothing to him—I squeezed him tight and held him until he stopped shaking so much.
When I realized that I had basically plastered myself to him, I let go and sat next to him, putting my hand on his knee instead. He dropped his hands and looked at me, then grabbed the hand I’d set on his knee and squeezed it hard.
“Please don’t do something like that ever again, Beau. I’ll teach you how to swim, okay? All you have to do is ask. But please don’tscareme like that. After last night—” He cut himself off and tipped his head forward until his forehead was resting on our joined hands. “You’re more important than you think you are.” He turned his head, still letting it rest on our hands as his gaze locked onto mine. “Okay?”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t—I wasn’t…” I took a deep, breath. “I wasn’t planning on going out that far. But I should have told you. I just thought…” I swallowed, wanting to break away from the intensity of his stare and completely unable to. “I thought you might not let me go in the water at all if you knew,” I whispered.
Lea’s eyes bored into mine, moving back and forth. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said, making my stomach sink. “I wouldn’t have let you anywhere near the water if I’d known. In fact, I’m gonna wrap you in ten layers of bubble wrap and lock you up in the apartment.” A weak laugh shuddered out of him. “Why can’t you swim?” he asked softly.
I shrugged and traced designs in the sand with my finger. “Just never learned how. My mom never took us to pools or anything, so there wasn’t much need for it. I don’t think I ever really thought I’d actually get to see the ocean. Or swim in it.”
Lea looked at me for a long moment, then nodded and bit his lip. “Well, I’ll teach you. Maybe not today, though, I think I need some time to let my heart calm down. I swear to god, you’re gonna be the literal death of me.”
My hand was still on Lea’s knee, and he hadn’t let go of me yet, either. I was painfully aware of how soft his long fingers were on mine, how I could feel the beginnings of his thigh muscles beneath my own hand where it lay.
I was deeply sorry that I hadn’t told him I couldn’t swim. That I’d scared him like that. Whether he said so or not, he probably thought I was the biggest asshole. Or idiot. Probably both. God, it seemed like I wouldn’t ever feel anything but humiliated around this man—because of my own actions and issues.
I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in silence with only the sound of laughter and the breaking of waves slipping through my defeated thoughts, but after a while Lea pulled his hand from mine and stood up.
“Let’s go home, Beau.”
Shea leftthe next day in a flurry of anxious energy. He’d be gone for eight weeks, and it wasn’t really a hardship to saygoodbye. I was used to him not being around. What was another two months?
After the incident down at the beach, a few weeks passed where I barely saw Lea, and I wondered if he was avoiding me. But he was always friendly in passing, always seemed happy to see me, however brief our interactions were. He’d said that things were hectic down at the bar since one of their employees had to move out of state. His hand had healed up nicely from the burn, too, which was a relief.
My time was devoted to work and a little gaming here and there with my friends. Even with how busy we both were, he would still check in with me to make sure I was doing all right—and to make sure I hadn’t tried to go down to the beach by myself. He kept telling me he would teach me how to swim when things quieted down a little at work.
My brain was hell-bent on torturing me. I couldn’t forget about the way Lea’s hands on me had felt. I couldn’t erase the genuine fear he’d had for me, and I couldn’t forget the way his skin had tasted when I’d briefly pressed my lips to his neck.
Thoughts of him consumed me, and those thoughts often turned into filthy fantasies that ended with quiet jerk-off sessions late at night in my dark room.
And when I dreamed, it was always of Lea.
12
BEAU
Afew weeks later, a rapid-fire knock came at the door around ten in the morning.
Lea was at work, but I was at my desk in my room, as usual. There was a two-second pause, and then another round of machine gun knocks.
Who would be knocking on Lea’s door like that?
Curiosity twined with a bit of fear as I got up and went to the door to look through the peephole.
There was a woman out there. A tall woman with short blonde hair styled in a bob, big black sunglasses, and a giant suitcase beside her.