Shea’s voice was tinged with concern when he spoke. “Hey, is something going on at the apartment?”
I frowned. “What do you mean? Nothing’s going on that I know of. Why, what’s wrong?”
Had Beau said something about this morning? I mean, nothing happened, he’d just helped me…but had that bothered him? He did look afraid when I touched his cheek. And actually, he always seemed bothered around me.
Fuck. Was that it? That I’d touched him? I needed to remember that he wasn’t used to that kind of thing and restrain myself around him.
A heavy sigh came over the line. “I don’t know. Beau just told me he’s looking for other places to live.”
I stopped walking, shock rippling through me. “What? Why?”
“He said he didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.” Shea scoffed in disbelief. “He’s not a burden. Why would he thinkhe’s a burden?” There was a five-second pause. “Did you call him a burden?”
My mouth dropped open. “No, I did not call him a burden! What the hell, Shea?” I pulled the phone away from my face to glance at the time, then started speed-walking to my apartment. “Look, I’m on my way there now, so I’ll talk to him and make it clear that no one thinks he’s a burden. Okay? What else did he say? Is this an exigent circumstance and I should be running back, or is he just casually pursuing options out of boredom? What is the Defcon level here?”
“I don’t know, it was hard to tell. He kept trying to change the subject, and then he backtracked and said he misspoke and didn’t want to move at all, he just wanted to look at fallback options just in case. I just—why would he need options?Just in casewhat? There are so many options that don’t include him moving away to god knows where, and I don’t know how to—to?—”
Shea was freaking out and trying so hardnotto freak out, but god the poor boy loved his brother and just wanted everything to be perfect for him.
“Okay, shh, it’s okay, Shea. Take a deep breath—that’s it—and exhale slowly. I saw Beau this morning and everything was perfectly normal. He seemed totally fine. I’m about to see him again, so don’t catastrophize. No matter what, everything will be all right. Won’t it?”
A shaky exhale came over the line. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry, I just—it’s just—” Shea sighed, then groaned. “Sorry. It’ll be fine. Call me later, okay? No, wait! Hold on! Shit, I meant to tell you. That AC unit in Beau’s room is busted. He said he’d let you know, but I’m telling you now in case he forgets. Says it worked on the first day he came, but hasn’t worked for like…almost two weeks now? I don’t know, but being able to hear the music and people on the street at night must be bugging him, he’s always had supersonic hearing. Maybe that’s why he wants to leave? Fuck, I wish he’d justtalkto me?—”
“Oh no, I wouldn’t jump to conclu?—”
Wait.
Oh god.
Oh mygod.
A prickling iciness cascaded slowly from the top of my skull and down through my body.
“Lea?”
Fuck.
“Yeah, sorry, I tripped. I’ll get it fixed. Talk to you soon, love.”
I barely heard Shea’s parting words over the roaring in my ears.
Oh, fuck.
Had he heard me? For the past two weeks, had he heard me in my room?
I’d been masturbating almost every single night since he got here. In my veryun-soundproof room.
I was such a fucking asshole.
That had to be why he was sleeping on the couch.
I was a goddamn bastard. How did I not even realize? That stupid AC unit rattled like a fucking maraca at all hours of the day and I didn’t even notice the absence of that noise.
I had to be the most self-involved prick on the planet. I’d never meant to make him feel like he couldn’t even sleep in his own room. I had to apologize. I knew how badly Shea wanted him to stay in Blue Harbor with us, and I was doing a shit job of making him feel comfortable. If he left because of me?—
My fingers trembled as I raked them through my hair. “Fuck,” I whispered. “Lea, you goddamn asshole!”
For so long, I’d never had to think about my sex life or the way I chased after pleasure. Shea, Riley, Monroe—they didn’tgive a shit. They were used to my enjoyment of sex and men and never batted an eye.