And I’m looking back, lost in them at once, as captivated as I was during the show, seeing only him in the storm of loud faces.
“And … And I want …” Suddenly I’m not sure what I want. For him to leave? For this to never have happened? My words change as they fall from my lips. “I want … to live in a world … where none of this shit matters. Where there’s no eyes on me all day and night long. Where I can just follow my heart and … and do what I want. See who I want. Kiss who I want.”
“Is that what you found in Spruce?” he asks, a touch softer. “Is that what you found in me?”
These questions are torture.
Or maybe it’s the kind way in which he asks them.
This would be so much easier if he was just mad like a normal person and not all sensitive and thoughtful and intelligent, which only makes pushing him away that much more impossible a task.
“What Ifound…” I start out, sounding agitated, angry at every damned obstacle standing between us, myself most of all. “… was a guy who …” I keep looking away from him. Back at the door. At the annoying mirrors, none of which are covered up, showing me in every angle. All I feel inside is fear. “… who I wish I’d not met yet.”
“Yet?”
I circle away from him, grab Raj’s denim jacket off the back of a chair, and toss it over the nearest mirror, then lean back against the counter in front of it, fingers curling, trying not to shake. “You deserve to know what you’re gettin’ yourself into when you get close to me. There’s a reason I have no friends. Other than all the pressures coming from my manager and the label toseema certain way, I’ve gotta deal with stalkers, obsessed fans … I’m tellin’ you, people in my life, none of ‘em are safe. They’ve tracked down my brothers. Sister. Mom. It ain’t fair to you, to put you through the gauntlet of bein’ in my life when you never asked for any of this.”
“How about you letmedecide what I put myself through?”
I lift my eyes off the floor, meeting his, struck.
He crosses his arms, hat still hanging from one of his hands. I don’t know what he’s thinking right now, but I definitely see the storm churning behind his eyes. It’s the first time since us meeting at the Horseshoe that I’ve seen him look so troubled.
Oh. Horseshoe. Raj wondered if I still like … horseshoes.
His little riddle lands a touch late.
He must’ve spotted Timothy in the crowd and helped smuggle him back here to see me. Knowing how good of a memory Raj has, it’s no wonder he recognized him.
“So you left me in the hotel … not because you don’t like me,” he concludes, “but because you’re afraid of me getting hurt …?”
My eyes flick to the door. Then I nod yes.
“So if I told you I’ll take my chances and tough it out … you’d be okay if I stuck around?”
I shut my eyes. “It ain’t that easy.”
“Why not?”
I guess I’m going all in. “My manager wants me to stay single. I can’t do relationships. He and about three or four others already think I’ve got a hot guy hidden in the wings.” I grip myforehead, frustrated. “If word got out, I’m tellin’ you, Timothy, there ain’t no goin’ back. I’m sorry. But this is just how it is. It’s why I had to end things between us before it gets any deeper than it already has.”
“And what if I don’t leave?”
His voice comes closer. I open my eyes.
He’s standing right in front of me.
I flinch, as if to back away, but I’m already backed against the counter with nowhere left to escape to. Is that some sign that I’ve already done enough running?
“What if …” he says, “Iwantto go deeper?”
“Timothy …”
It suddenly occurs to him to ask. “Is Austin your real name?”
“Yes.”
“You gave me your real, actual name?”