“It’s okay, Papa,” says Joshua right away. “I’m strange, too.”
“Shush, Joshua, let him talk,” chides Marcus.
I smile and pat Joshua on the shoulder. “Dad and I need to tell you boys the truth. After all, we’re a family, are we not?And it’s important—perhaps the most important thing—that everyone in a family is honest with each other.”
“You’ve just been sad,” says Joshua.
“Josh,” growls Marcus under his breath.
“Yes, Joshua, from time to time. I’ve been … a lot of things. Grownups have a lot of things up here in their head all the time. Maybe sadness is one of them.”
“You don’t have to be happy all the time with us,” says Joshua in the sweetest voice, and this time Marcus doesn’t shush him. “I’ll understand when you’re sad. Dad will, too. He can be sensitive to your needs. He’ll give you space.”
He’ll give me space…? I look at Tanner. “Why’s our eleven-year-old talking like a therapist?”
Tanner grimaces. “I … He and I … We might’ve had a talk …”
“It was one time when you guys had a fight. Oh! Sorry,” says Joshua, his eyes wide, “I mean a ‘disagreement’. And Dad told me that you were okay. You just neededspace. Everyone needs space. Totally fine. Sometimes my brother is overprotective and I tell him thatIneed space, too.”
Marcus throws him a questioning look.
I lean forward. “Y’know what that sounds like to me? Sounds like what people do when they care about each other.” I take hold of Tanner’s hand while I keep talking to the kids. “And I care about you boys a lot. I care about Dad, too.”
“You just need some help relaxing,” Joshua suggests brightly, like he’s just a friend offering wise advice.
“I think you’re right,” I agree with a chuckle. “It’s not a secret that I have difficultyletting go of the reinssometimes. My crazy butt worries about all sorts of nonsense every minute of the day. But none of that changes the fact that I love you with all of my heart and want to give you guys the best life I can.”
Tanner squeezes my hand. “The pressure shouldn’t be all just onyouto do that, babe. Let us pitch in to make our lives the best.”
“Yeah,” agrees Joshua, excited. “We can all pitch in.”
Marcus, judging from his guarded expression, is the one I will need to work on the most. He’s heard promises like this before. He doesn’t want his brother’s heart to keep getting lifted up only to be dropped yet again. I can totally understand.
So it’s to him that I deliver my final words. “Will you give me time to prove my devotion to you guys? To earn your trust back?”
Marcus looks me dead in the eye.
For a terrifying moment, I fully believe he’s about to tell me to go to hell with my lies, no matter how deeply in my heart I want this to work and for us to heal.
Then his lips pinch into a resolved smirk, and wouldn’t you know it, steely-eyed Marcus gifts me with the slightest hint of a nod. I vow to myself, right now, to turn that slight nod into a certain one in time.
“And don’t worry, Papa,” whispers Joshua to me. “I won’t tell anyone about this. Not even Grandma Nadine. It can be our secret. Our family secret.”
Marcus ruffs up his little brother’s hair. “Good luck with that one.” And he breaks a smile. Then I do, too. And suddenly, all four of us crush together into an impromptu hug I’m not sure which of us instigated.
Maybe all of us at once. I fucking love my family.
So it’s as a unified front that we return to the house and join the others at the table. And as I sit next to Tanner and the boys, our fathers well into discussing plans to fix our house up, I feel at home again right where I belong.
That’s how I feel just a couple of weeks later when we’re all seated at this big table once again, except it’s filled from one endto the other with a delicious spread of food for Thanksgiving. It’s like night and day between me and Tanner. Every goofy remark he makes has me cracking smiles just like they used to—even if I still think his dad jokes are too bad to even callcringe. I find myself in awe of how attentive he is to the kids, noticing things I think I’ve been too gummed up lately to notice myself. He anticipates every dang thing I need, including butter for my bread and a topping off of my tasty (and very necessary) wine.
Joshua makes a six-minute speech halfway into the meal (that puts my ma to tears) where he expresses thanks for many things—and mentions the gravy five times. I’ll have to note the recipe.
Mindy and Joel are here with us. Kirk and Bonnie, too, with their rowdy little Kirkland Junior. Bobby seems to find my kids so adorable, I catching him smiling at me from across the table a few times, as if sharing without words how proud he is for us. Nadine’s event coordinator Malcolm sits right next to Bobby with his cute veterinarian boyfriend, and yes, I did in fact hire him to help us sort the details of our upcoming ceremony—something to do with me not handling all of the pressure myself, or whatever lesson my dear, caring family insisted once that I learn.
Yeah, it’s been an odd year for a lot of us here in Spruce, so a number of our friends and other families in town join us here at the Strongs for the day, and we’re all the merrier for it—even if it means having to put up with my husband outperforming himself with cheesy jokes and one-upping his brother Jimmy. There are so many people here, we even had to bring out two additional tables. Even Tanner’s sassy-as-all-get-out grandma came to town for the holidays. That woman’s watched us blossom from a very awkward pair of college boys figuring ourselves out to the married men we are today. (But I think we’ll always be kids in her eyes.)
It’s not to say this day doesn’t go without its hitches. Mindy spills wine across the table first thing. Jimmy showed up an hour and a half late due to some hiccup at the gym. Poor Nadine burned the bread. But chaos is part of the heart of it all, I’ve come to learn. Mindy’s flustered wine spill turns into an adorable moment with her permanently-gasoline-scented mechanic hubby Joel coming to the rescue with a trick to get out any fresh stain. It doesn’t work, bless his heart, but that isn’t the point; the two share a moment sweetly helping each other—despite the usual stresses of raising a monstrous pair of three-year-olds. Jimmy’s late arrival turns out not to have been caused by any “hiccup at the gym”, but instead because he was swinging by their house to set up for a sweet, thoughtful surprise for later when he and Bobby return home. (I only know that last bit because he spilled the beans to his brother, who in turn told me.) And as for Nadine burning the bread, well, that leads to her having a cute bonding moment with my ma, who decides to divulge a secret bread recipe of her own. Joshua takes one of the burnt rolls right then, lathers it in butter, and forces himself to take a bite. “It’s still yummy!” he cries out through his grimace. No one believes him one bit, but Nadine can’t wipe the grin of appreciation off her face.