“I just… I’m so used to people coming and going when they are, well, basically done with me,” she says softly. “It just brought back an unwelcome memory, but that’s not on you. You did nothing wrong.”
Still, it doesn’t stop the panic rising through me. “I just thought with Payden bein’ here,” I say. “It would be awkward. I don’t want to go, honestly, I wanna hold you tonight, if that’s okay?”
In all of my anguish, I forgot about hers. “We can talk and eat our cake in bed, if you like?”
She nods. “Okay.”
“Why were you crying?”
“Not because of you,” she says, cupping one side of my face. “Never you. I’ve just never felt complete happiness like I have when we’re together. Being wanted, it’s different with you. You look at me different.”
I pull her to me, folding her into my arms. “I feel exactly the same way.”
“We don’t have to do anything,” she tells me. “Just sleep.”
“I’d like that.”
“You don’t think I’m weird?”
I pull back. “Now, I didn’t say that exactly…”
She whacks me playfully. “Very funny.”
“I’ve gotta be up early for work, so I’ll sneak out before Payden gets up.”
“There will probably be fewer questions that way.”
“Consider it done.”
It hurts my heart she cried. I never want her to be sad.
As we’re sliding under the cool duvet on her bed, she turns to me. “I cried because my heart hurts; they hurt you, not becauseof anything you did. I didn’t want you to go to bed thinking it was you.”
I smile slowly. “I know, babe, but honestly? It’s okay. I’ve spent the last five years gettin’ my shit together and puttin’ all of that behind me. There are certain scars that last forever, they always will, but I am capable of more.”
She sinks against my shoulder when I pat my chest, just like on the couch, but all sexual connotation is done. It’s just us now, our raw, emotional, broken selves. “I know.” She takes a breath. “When I was with B?—”
I place a finger over her mouth. “Don’t ever use his name when we’re like this. Just call himassholebecause I’d still know who you meant.”
“Okay, when I was with thatasshole, I’m pretty sure he drugged me a few times. I’d wake up the next morning groggy and he’d blame it on the alcohol, even though I didn’t even drink that much.” She takes a breath as I tighten my hold on her. “I don’t know what he did to me during my blackouts, but I know he was a sick individual. It would give him a pleasure to see me grappling for answers when I asked him what happened.”
“Sick fuck,” I mutter. I kiss her hair, trying as hard as I can not to leap up and put my clothes back on to go visit this fuckface in jail, even if I have to end up in there myself just to get to him… actually, that’s not a bad idea… maybe I’ll work out the logistics of that, for now, I’m not gonna dwell on how to get him back. His time will come, and I will be waiting. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know any of that. I mean, I knew he was a piece of shit.”
“Don’t say anything to the boys.”
I swallow hard. “I already told them he was in jail. I had to, they have a right to know, and it was only a matter of time before one of them asked me.”
“I know, I just meant about the stuff we talk about privately.”
“I’d never do that.” I would never betray her trust, but if it’s keeping her safe, I will stop at nothing to do so. “I’m glad you got away from him, that’s what matters.”
“I was pretty fucked up for a while,” she says, her voice soft as I rest my forehead against her hair, taking in her scent. “I thought he loved me because he was sorry.”
“It isn’t your fault,” I say. “You tried for somethin’. You believed him, and none of that is your fault because he chose to lie.”
“The thing is, I never really loved him. It was just a habit, I guess. I was at rock bottom so I didn’t know my worth back then.”
“I hope you do now.”