“Almost a decade.”
“If you don’t want to talk about it?—”
“I do with you, it helps me heal because I know I can trust you.”
“You can,” I whisper. “You can trust me with anything.”
“Then I need to be honest, too.”
She blinks away the tears. The last thing I want is for her to feel sorry for me, but I get that it’s a normal reaction.
“I endured shocking conditions and there were men who used me as a sex toy. They drugged me to keep me compliant, threatened to kill my family if I ran away or told anyone. That’s how these things work. Rich business types, you name it. They operate on fear and intimidation.”
My eyes widen, but he continues. “That’s what happens when you’re trafficked. You move from place to place, eventually your self esteem is so rock bottom, they don’t even need the drugs.”
My hand flies up to my mouth and I can’t stop the tears. “I can’t believe they did that to you.”
He immediately wipes my tears with his thumbs. “It’s in the past. I didn’t tell you that to upset you, but for what I have to say next, you need to know some things about me.”
I’m not sure I can take any more, but I nod, trying to put on a brave face for him. I mean, God, I’m only hearing about it, he is the one who suffered.
“I want you to understand that I am broken, baby. I may not be able to be fixed. Ever. That’s why I’ve steered away from women, or any kind of relationship, because I just haven’t felt comfortable enough to let my guard down. Stupid, I know, but that’s how it’s been for me for years.”
“It’s never stupid,” I whisper. “Never say that.”
“But Iamattracted to you, even though we agreed to just be friends. I think I went along with it because I knew I couldn’t give you more.”
“Clearly we have something special,” I say, thrilled he just admitted his attraction to me, and I also don’t want to scare him away now we’re this close and he’s opening up. I don’t need more. I just like being with him. “I’d never want you to feel pressured or pushed into anything.”
He smirks.
“What?” I frown.
“Isn’t it supposed tomesayin’ that toyou?”
I smile softly, trying not to show him how broken my heart is. How I wish I could take all the shattered pieces and put them back together for him. How anyone could hurt my beautiful, sensitive, sweet Sawyer is beyond belief. It makes me mad, frustrated, and just plain angry.
“I guess we’re a little off the beaten track, and that’s okay,” I say. “We don’t have to do anything other than what we already do.”
“It won’t be enough for you,” he whispers.
“What won’t be?”
“Just touching. No sex.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, because I’m glad just to be in your arms.”
He swallows, his eyes big and around, like a lost little boy. It breaks my heart all over again. “That’s just it, what if I wanted more?”
“Do you?”
“With you? Yes. I—” He swallows hard again. “I shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve jerked off to you.”
Oh, my God.Did he just admit that?“Holy shit.”
“Too much?”
My insides heat. “No.” My cheeks pinken when I think about what I’ve done to myself, imagining it was him. “What if I told you I may have flicked the bean a few too many times thinking about you.”