Do you really think people like us can be happy?
I stare at her message, my heart constricting in my chest at her words. I’ve thought about it many times myself, and I always come up with the same answer: Yes. What gives others the right to dictate our future? We’re not broken all the way through, just bent a little.
Me
Of course I do. If we live a sad life, doesn’t it mean our abusers have won?
Nova
I worry he’ll come for me
I curl my hand around the phone. She’s never admitted anything like that to me. Yes, she said he’d put his hands on her, beat her, but nothing more. I know he did much worse, but she hasn’t brought herself to say the words, and that’s okay. I’m here for her no matter what. The other night, when she felt scared, I saw her vulnerability for the first time. Everyone knows her to be this tough chick with a smart mouth, but with me she’s not like that. Yeah, she has a wise ass comeback for everything, but that’s just surface stuff, when you get behind all of that, the real Nova is like a diamond in the rough.
Me
I won’t let that happen. I will never let him hurt you
Nova
I believe you, but it makes me feel weak
Me
What does?
Nova
That I can’t defend myself
Me
You shouldn’t have to, no woman should, but this is the world we live in. It isn’t your fault. It was never your fault. As long as I’m breathing, you won’t ever have to worry about that piece of shit
Nova
I believe you, but I still have nightmares
So do I, except when I’m with her. When I’m asleep in Nova’s arms, I sleep like a baby. Nothing can get me or penetrate that force field. We’re untouchable.
Me
I do too. Unless I’m with you. I had the best night’s sleep on Saturday, even after you wrenched me out of bed. You’re my good luck charm
Nova
You’re a good cuddler
Me
Are you just saying that? Apparently, I can’t keep my hands to myself
Nova
You’re only human
I smirk at her words. Damn straight I am. She reminds me I’m a flesh and blood male, and that sex isn’t wrong or dirty. Not if it’s with her in mind.Holy fuck.Is that a new trigger unlocked?
I think about it for a second. I still associate sex with feeling bad, even after all my therapy sessions, which makes sense when you consider the violations. My therapist once said I’d find someone I felt comfortable with and when I did, that my thoughts and feelings on the subject would change.Iwould change. I’d use that relationship as positive reinforcement that sex doesn’t have to hurt, be dirty, or shameful. I wouldn’t be forced to do things I don’t want to do.