We both have needs.Now I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s my fault. I knew the kissing thing was gonna be too much. We don’t do it all the time, just a peck here and there, but last night… Last night was more than we’ve ever done, and I groped her in my sleep. I should’ve slept on the couch no matter what she said.
My feelings don’t come into it, only hers do. I know she may think she wants me, or my body, but there are too many layers to me that are damaged to even pretend I’m normal.
I’m never gonna be normal.
I’m always gonna be some version of fucked up. It’s ingrained into my soul, and frankly, she can do better than me. Nova is younger than I am, she has her whole life ahead of her. Now she’s on the straight and narrow, there is nothing she can’t do. Anyway, looks are only skin deep; it’s a blessing and a curse that I have a ‘pretty boy’ face. That doesn’t mean shit. My heart — or what’s left of it — is guarded. Not so much with her, or my brothers in the MC, but I know I’ll never be fully whole.
You can’t when you’ve lived through literal hell. Iknowfirst hand that Hell really does exist on earth, while I don’t wanna live in the past or be negative, surviving that whole traumatic experience was soul destroying. There were times I wasn’t even sure I was gonna make it, or wanted to make it. By some miracle, I made my way out the other side.
Out of shame for my past, I didn’t try to find my brother or my mom. I let them think I was dead, because that’s how worthless I felt. I can never get those years back, but I can try to be a good son and brother. It’s the least I can do for disappointing them so much.
My mom is a beautiful, delicate soul, and my dad? He died a couple of years back so I never got to see him again. She remarried and Chris is totally cool. He’s also Ryder’s dad, but that’s a whole other story.
I sit behind my desk and look up to the ceiling. Now isn’t the time to have a panic attack. Though I’m having those less and less these days. I’ve also never slept for six hours straight without waking up in a nightmare. I have Nova to thank for that, but I can’t ask her to sleep in my bed at night because I find her soothing. That would be weird.
I look down from the ceiling as someone knocks at my door.
Nova is standing in the doorway.
“Hey, you. I’m doing the coffee run — are you okay?”
She’s wearing her usual attire: a short-sleeved blouse with the Nomad Brothers Security embossed logo, tight black pants, and flats. She tied her hair up in a high ponytail, her makeup pretty and natural, except for the sparkly pink lip gloss.
Our eyes meet and I smile. “Hey. Yeah, I’m fine, just a busy workload. Did you draw the short straw?”
“Shows how much attention you pay. I’ve been doing the coffee run every Monday for a year.”
“Oops.”
“I know, all you boys just think the coffee magically appears.” She rolls her eyes.
“I’m happy to give you a hand.”
“It’s fine. I’m just tired.”
“Didn’t sleep well without me last night?”
Her eyes widen for a second, but she recovers quickly. “You have a better mattress than I do, so I blame you.”
“Sure, that’s what it is.”
“I was gonna get you a cinnamon roll, but now I don’t know if you’ve earned it.”
No matter how many times I apologized for putting my hands on her, she brushed it off. It’s pretty embarrassing that I even did it in the first place. God knows what she’s really thinking. No wonder she took off like a bat outta hell not long after breakfast. I can’t say I blame her.
“What if I flutter my pretty lashes, like this?” I do just that and she shakes her head once more.
“I said you had pretty lashes once and how unfair it was because long lashes on men are so wasted, and it just goes straight to your head.”
I grin, then give her a chin lift. “I just wanna be sure you’re okay about the other day.”
She lowers her voice once more. “I’m more than okay. And I took your advice.”
I pique a brow. “Oh?”
“Yeah, it’s Manny’s birthday this weekend and the girls are throwing a party at the clubhouse, or a surprise location. Be there or be square.”