“And if she never is?” My voice was raw and desperate.
Alek swallowed. “Then we live with that.”
Cole shuddered, and his eyes turned glassy. “We have to,” he said, his voice raspy with unshed tears.
Alek stared out the window, like looking at us hurt.
Yeah, it fucking hurt a lot. They were right, though.
Dr. Kouassi poked his head into the waiting room through the swinging double doors. “You can see her. One at a time.”
None of us moved. We were so fucking weak.
“I’ll do it,” I said softly, standing.
Cole caught my arm. “Tell her—” He stopped.
“I know.”
The walk to Eva’s room felt endless. Massi stood guard outside, his massive frame blocking curious nurses. He caught my arm as I passed. “Make this right, asshole.”
Inside, the steady beep of Eva’s monitor mixed with the soft hiss of oxygen. She looked impossibly small in the hospital bed, dark bruises marking her throat where Carter had grabbed her. The cardiac monitor showed numbers I couldn’t interpret, but they seemed steady.
I couldn’t move closer. If I did, I’d never leave.
“Hey, sweet kitten.” My voice cracked. “I need you to listen, okay?”
Her eyelids fluttered but didn’t open. The smallest frown creased her forehead—that same expression she’d worn when concentrating on a particularly difficult injury, or when she was trying to hide pain during practice.
“Remember when we first met? And I followed you to the library and you told me to fuck off, but I just wouldn’t listen? I should have, but I was so fucking selfish.”
One hand twitched toward my voice, and god, how many times had she reached for us like that? In sleep, in pleasure, in pain?
“I’m sorry, Eva, for all of it. For blackmailing you, for treating you like a game, for making you think you were less than anything. You’re not. You’reeverything.”
The monitor’s rhythm quickened slightly.
“You deserve so much better than what we gave you.” My vision blurred. “We love you. All of us. I don’t know if Cole and Alek even realize how they feel, but I do. I’m so fucking in love with you, it hurts to breathe. And that’s why—” The words felt like a knife in my throat. “That’s why I have to go.”
Her fingers twitched again, and I had to clench my hands to keep from reaching for her.
“Not forever. Just until it’s safe. And until you’re ready—without the pressure and the manipulation and the blackmail and Jed Carter trying to kill your father.” I swallowed, hot tears pressing behind my eyes. “If you’re ever ready, we’ll be here.”
Her fingers moved again, reaching for me, and I almost broke, remembering how her face would light up every time I brought her that stupid sweet coffee drink she loved so much, as if every time it was a surprise that I was being nice to her.
A tear slipped down her cheek. The monitor stuttered then steadied.
I touched her hand just once, so I could remember what her skin felt like beneath my fingers. “I love you,” I whispered, “and I’m so sorry.”
In the hallway, I made it three steps before my legs gave out. I slid down the wall, my head in my hands, and tried to remember how to breathe.
Cole found me there and knelt beside me in silence, pressing his forehead to mine while I fell apart.
“We’re doing the right thing,” he whispered, but his voice shook.
“Doesn’t feel right.”
“No.” His grip tightened. “But she deserves better than what we gave her.” He broke off, glancing at her through the doorway.