‘We found Alexa’s diary. We know the two of you have been meeting. We thought you were having an affair.’
‘Are you?’ Gabby asks, her voice croaky and raw.
‘No,’ Simon replies, shaking his head. ‘No, we’re not.’
Gabby hangs her head behind a curtain of her hair. She looks so devastated that for a split second, I can’t help thinking shewantedAlexa to be having an affair.
‘Do you know where Alexa is?’ I ask, redirecting my focus to Simon.
‘No.’ Devastation tints Simon’s voice. ‘That’s why I came here. I hoped… I thought I might walk in and find her here.’
I nod, understanding that wish exactly. ‘You meet Alexa once a week?’
‘We do. As friends, though, I swear,’ Simon rushes to correct. ‘Although I know how it looks. Alexa and I both do, that’s why we meet in secret. Two people who met at a child loss support group, leaning on each other? It’s a rumour waiting to happen.’
My lips twitch, knowing that was exactly what Gabby and I had believed.
‘How did the meetings start?’ I ask.
With a sigh, Simon looks off into the distance. ‘It’s hard to explain, really. Alexa started attending Families United meetings earlier in the year. From the get-go, she and I clicked. At her first meeting, we were both at the snack table, eating our body weight in biscuits. We cracked a few jokes, but we got chatting properly at her second meeting. I think I said more about how I felt to Alexa in those few minutes than I had to anyone in months.’
‘Even Annalise?’
Simon flushes but nods. ‘You know how it is. Sometimes talking to your partner about loss is hard. I don’t want to upset Annalise by bringing it up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to talk about what’s happened. Trust me when I say I love my wife. You’ve met Annalise, you know how amazing she is. I would never risk what we have, ever.’
‘I believe you,’ I say, a response that makes Simon exhale. Gabby, meanwhile, says nothing.
‘Alexa and I meet once a week for a coffee,’ Simon continues. ‘It helps to have a space separate from meetings where we can talk freely. We meet for a couple of hours. Other than Families United, I think it’s pretty much the only time Alexa sees anyone.’
My heart aches as the loneliness of Alexa Clarke’s life is reinforced yet again. ‘That’s so sad.’
‘It is. I worry about her. It’s not good to be alone when you’re grieving.’
‘You think Alexa’s alone?’
Simon’s forehead scrunches. ‘Janine, Alexa Clarke is the loneliest person I’ve ever met.’
Across the table, Gabby flinches. I wipe a drop of water from the side of my glass to distract myself from the hollowness I feel at Simon’s statement.
‘You said Alexa was paying for your IVF?’ I ask.
‘Not all of it, but most of it,’ Simon admits. ‘After the pandemic, I lost my job. Annalise and I managed to keep the house, but our savings took a big hit. I’ve got another job now and we’re slowly getting back on track, but my new place doesn’t pay anywhere near as much as the last.’
‘That’s why you need the money from Alexa?’
Simon nods. ‘Annalise found a clinic with high success rates. It’s a fancy private one, the kind that charges you for breathing in the waiting room. Even with sinking every penny we had into it, we couldn’t make the numbers work. I told Annalise I’d ask my parents, but she wouldn’t let me. She said, “We’re not a charity case.”?’ Simon sighs and rubs his temples. ‘Annalise never used to be sensitive about money, but when you’re struggling with fertility, people areexhaustingly sympathetic. I know they’re only trying to be nice, but it’s painful, and we’ve had years of it. Annalise is sick of people looking at her like she needs saving.’
‘I know that feeling,’ I reply.
Simon smiles sadly. ‘What a club to be in, huh? Losing a child… well, it changes how people see you. It changes you as a person, too. Over the years, parts of Annalise have hardened. She refuses to be seen as weak or dependent, and that includes accepting financial help. I respect her position, I really do, but I know how much a baby means to her. I’d rob a bank if I had to, if it meant we could try.’
‘Annalise probably wouldn’t like that.’
Simon laughs. ‘Probably not. Luckily, thanks to Alexa, I didn’t have to turn to crime to fund the treatment. A few months ago, I admitted that Annalise and I were struggling with the IVF fees. She stepped in to help. Annalise would have refused it, but I couldn’t. It was too generous an offer to miss out on. I never asked for the money, mind you. And I told Alexa I’d pay her back every penny.’
The walls of my throat thicken as I imagine Alexa pushing her own grief to the side to help Simon and Annalise. Deep inside, the ache that begs for her to be okay grows.
‘Does Annalise know you’re getting money for the treatment from Alexa?’ I ask.