‘It’s been a long discussion, with a few arguments along the way, as I’m sure you can imagine.’ A few people chuckle knowingly. ‘But we’re at a point where we’re ready to give becoming pregnant another go. For the last few weeks, we’ve been meeting with another IVF consultant. Truthfully, I’m terrified, but we’re not done with the dream of being parents yet. Besides, you never know if you never try, right?’
While Annalise speaks, I watch Simon. His eyes are on his wife and those dimples dent his cheeks, but I feel like I’m watching a man whose mind isn’t really in this moment with us. Somewhere inside me, a warning bell rings.
‘Thank you for sharing your news, Annalise. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say we are wishing you and Simon all the best with your journey,’ Sharon says, then someone on the other side of the circle raises their hand and our attention goes to them.
My focus ping-pongs around the room for the next twenty minutes until there’s a gap in the conversation. I only realise I have raised my hand to speak when everyone’s gaze lands on me.
‘Beth, welcome,’ Sharon says. ‘Whenever you’re ready, say what is on your mind.’
Every sense I have prickles as I take in the faces of the strangers staring at me with gentle encouragement. People young and old, rich and poor, from all kinds of backgrounds and with differing beliefs, all here because of one uniting thing: grief.
‘My husband doesn’t know I’m here tonight,’ I begin. ‘Ironic, really, because he was the one who told me about these meetings. I didn’t mean to lie to him about coming. I didn’t mean to tell any of the lies I’ve told recently, but… well, it’s hard to tell himthe truth. I’m scared that if I start, then I’ll have to say how badly this hurts.’
Looking around the room, I see my words have struck a chord.
‘Even now, after everything that’s happened, I almost can’t believe I’m here,’ I continue. ‘I mean, I spent my twenties terrified I’d fall pregnant and doing everything I could to stop that from happening, then I met my husband and all I wanted was to make a family with him. But no matter how hard we try or how close we get, it’s not happening for us.’
Tears catch at the back of my throat. I go to sniff them away but then I stop myself. If there’s one place I don’t need to hide my emotions, it’s here.
‘My husband and I were happy, once upon a time,’ I say. ‘Sometimes I think those days are gone. It’s hard not to wonder if I’ve changed too much to be the person he fell in love with. I keep trying to find a way back to him, back to us, but sometimes I feel so lost it’s like there’s no way back at all.’
There’s so much more I could say, like how I cry in the shower because it’s the only place I can do so in peace. Like how I get angry when I see a pregnancy announcement, even though I know I should be happy for other people. Like how every day I wake up and wonder,What if motherhood never happens for me?and don’t know how to answer that question.
But I can’t say any of that. If I start admitting the darkest truths of this experience, I’m scared I’ll never stop.
When I dip my head to indicate I have finished, Annalise takes my hand in hers. The comforting gesture brings tears to my eyes.
Sharon responds to what I said, but I’m too busy holding myself together to take it in. The conversation moves on, then before I know it, the session comes to an end.
I blink, looking around the once again bustling room. ‘Is that it?’
‘Time flies here, doesn’t it?’ Annalise replies. ‘Don’t worry if it’s a bit disorienting. Your first session is always a bit of a shock. If you’re anything like me, this is the first place you’ll have heard people talk about loss so openly.’
I nod because that’s exactly how I feel.
‘Come on, let’s get a biscuit. You look like you could do with the sugar,’ Annalise says, rising to her feet.
‘Snack time, the best part of the night,’ Simon cheers, rubbing his hands together and setting off towards the refreshments table.
‘Honestly, he’s such a child.’ Annalise giggles and I try to join in, but her affection for her husband is something I can’t smile about. We make a move to follow Simon, but an older woman intercepts us.
‘Annalise, darling, how wonderful to see you,’ she says, air kissing Annalise’s cheeks before pulling her close and lowering her voice. ‘Have you seen what’s happening in the hallway?’
Annalise looks over the woman’s shoulder to the double doors. I follow her gaze. The back of Sharon’s head is visible through the glass, as is the flash of a neon jacket.
‘Is that the police?’ Annalise asks, taking the words out of my mouth.
‘It is. I wonder if they’re here to talk about Alexa.’
Annalise’s eyebrows dip. ‘Is she okay?’
‘Haven’t you heard? Apparently, she’s missing.’
As Annalise gasps, the double doors to the hall open. A solemn Sharon leads five uniformed officers into the room alongside an equally sombre DS Mullins. Gripped by panic, I make my body small and duck behind Annalise.
‘What’s going on?’ Simon asks, approaching our huddle carrying more biscuits than one person should possibly consume in one sitting.
‘It’s Alexa,’ Annalise whispers. ‘She’s missing.’