‘Janine,’ Beth says, a sigh attached to each syllable of my name. ‘Stop emotionally blackmailing me. It’s not fair.’
‘I’m not trying to blackmail you. I’m trying to make you understand.’
Again, Beth sighs. ‘I’m not comfortable lying to Kamal about this. He’s a reasonable guy. I doubt he’d ask you to stop getting involved for no reason, which leads me to think one thing: you know what you’re doing isn’t right. But, in classic stubborn Janine style, you’re doing it anyway.’
I grimace, the character assessment brutal but fair. ‘Please, Beth,’ I plead. ‘You know I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t important. I’m not meeting anyone behind Kamal’s back, I’m not doing anything stupid or dangerous. But I need you to cover for me tonight.’
Once again, my words are met with a silence that’s only punctuated by Mila’s distress. The sound of her tears seems to heighten my sister’s worried judgement.
‘Beth, I need you to do this. Sister to sister, please.’
‘Fine,’ she huffs, ‘but this better not backfire. And you owe me, okay? You owe me big.’
‘Thank you! Whatever you want, whenever you want it, it’s yours.’
‘I want a day with my sister,’ Beth says, her voice cracking. ‘I want a day where we talk and laugh like we used to. Is that too much to ask for?’
I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. ‘That can be arranged,’ I say, ending the call quickly before I burstinto tears. Turning on the ignition, I drive away, leaving the village and my sisterly guilt behind.
At the house, I text Gabby to confirm I’ll go to the meeting. She takes an hour to reply, the search of the Clarkes’ house obviously commanding her attention, but she confirms that we will meet outside Saddleforth Community Hall at five forty-five.
With the plan in place, I call Kamal. Panic is evident in his tone when he answers.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘It’s fine,’ I reply. ‘I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be in tonight when you come home. I’m going out with Beth.’
‘Oh,’ Kamal replies, but I can practically hear a smile taking over his face. ‘That’s great! Where are you going?’
I concoct a lie about dinner, digging my nails into my palms as Kamal becomes even happier. It’s clear he thinks I’m coming back to myself after a rocky few months. If only he knew the truth.
Hanging up, I rattle around the house, doing all I can to avoid my guilt – and my workload. Tiff calls, no doubt for an update on my writing, but I let it ring out. I can’t face lying again today.
CHAPTER 30
I put effort into my appearance before I set off to Families United. Maybe it’s because I haven’t dressed up in a long time and I miss the thrill of it. Or maybe it’s because being in a room full of strangers without something like my books to hide behind is terrifying.
You can do this, I think as I stare myself down in the mirror. The motivation is enough to push me to leave my bedroom and head downstairs.
On the drive to Saddleforth, I blast the radio. A pop song I’ve never heard before fills my car, the autotuned voice and electronic beat the opposite of anything I usually listen to, but it’s loud enough to drown out the voices in my head. Even the sneakiest ones that ask if I’ve stopped to think what it will feel like to be surrounded by people talking openly about their loss.
Twenty-five minutes later, I pull into the car park beside Saddleforth Community Hall. The squat one-storey building is a prime example of the ugliest version of sixties architecture. I don’t need to go inside to know that the venue will be draughty and poorly insulated.
From the safety of my car, I watch a couple in their mid-twenties head towards the building, hand in hand.
They must be going to Families United too, I realise. Suddenly, all confidence that I can go through with this fades. Tonight, there will be no hiding from the truth. There will be no pretending that I am okay. No acting as if my story follows a different path.
Tonight, I will have no choice but to stare into the face of what has happened.
That thought is almost enough to make me back out of my parking space and zoom in the opposite direction, but then I remember that I’m not here for myself. I’m here for Alexa. So, I sit and wait for Gabby to arrive.
When she calls fifteen minutes later, I pounce on my phone.
‘Janine,’ she whispers like she’s trying not to be overheard. ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t get to the meeting.’
Inside my chest, my heart stops. ‘What?’
‘It’s the police,’ Gabby says, talking while walking. I hear a door close behind her. ‘The search went on for longer than I thought, and now they’re asking Otis all kinds of questions. As a friend and a lawyer, I can’t leave him to face this alone.’