Charlie lifted her chin and straightened her shoulders. Good lord, this kid was only nine. How was she capable of giving so much sass? “Like what?”
I scanned the shelves. Was there anything considered a healthy cereal? “What about some Honey Nut Cheerios? They’re sweet, but an argument could be made that there’s some nutritional value.”At least, I think?
Charlie had never liked cereal growing up, so this phase was new.
Something I would’ve known if I had been around more.
My daughter studied the options, biting down on her bottom lip as she prepared to launch a counterargument. “What about Fruit Loops?”
I laughed. “Girl, I don’t think that’s any better than Fruity Pebbles.”
“But they both have fruit in the name,” she said, pouting. “Doesn’t that mean they’re healthy? You and Daddy always tell me I need to eat my fruits and vegetables.”
I shook my head. “I wish it were that simple. That’d be pretty cool, huh?”
“If it’s not healthy, then how come Harper’s dad lets her eat it?” Charlie asked, crossing her arms. She was staring longingly at the overly sugary breakfast items. “Why can’t I?”
Oh boy.Charlie had always been an expert negotiator. She knew how to work every angle to win us over, but she’d always respected our decisions. We didn’t have to fight with her or tryto force her to understand. “I can’t speak for someone else’s parent, baby. You know that. What they choose to do in their house is up to them,” I said.
Charlie let out a big sigh, and I thought the case was closed.
“Dad lets me have it,” she mumbled. “I wish I was going back to his house.”
Well, that fucking hurt.
“Ouch,” I said, looking down at her in confusion. “Thanks a lot, kid. Where is that coming from?”
“I don’t understand how everyone’s rules are different,” she said, raising her voice an octave. “Daddy has rules. You have rules. Harper’s dad has rules. Why aren’t any of them the same? It’s not fair!”
I couldn’t help but stare open-mouthed at my daughter as she stomped her little foot against the ground in indignation. “I understand your frustration, but being rude isn’t going to help your case. That doesn’t make me want to meet you halfway.”
“Okay, but why can’t we get it just this once?”
“Because I said no, Charlie. That’s why.” I hated myself for saying it, for not being able to give her an actual answer she would understand. It reminded me of my mother; how quick and easy she was to say no if it meant she’d have to be sober enough to drive me to a friend’s house. “You’re more than welcome to get the Cheerios or nothing at all.”
“Guess I’ll get nothing,” she said, stalking to the front of the basket.
I shrugged, fighting back tears as I grabbed a box of Raisin Bran for myself. I couldn’t help but feel like the morning had gotten away from me somehow. I was supposed to have one last good day before I had to return to a reality in which the man who helped raise me was dying. Before I had to break my daughter’s heart, again.
Being a mom was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I wantedto crumble. To scream. To fall to my knees and wail about how life wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t do any of that. Instead, I had to put on a happy face and pretend that my daughter’s cutting words weren’t the icing on a fucked-up cake.
We walked down each aisle in silence. Every time I tried talking to her, I was met with a one-word answer, a clipped yes or no, or complete and total silence.
Would the guilt of my being away ever subside? Sometimes I felt like a stranger spending time with my daughter. Grady and I had both taken great care with how we explained our separation to Charlie. We’d seen a therapist beforehand to figure out what to say and how to say it. She had a lot of questions when we told her the news, but in the end, she seemed happy because we were happy.
Cleo absolutely adored her and vice versa. There were moments I expected to feel jealous of another woman being there for my child when I should be, but I didn’t feel any of that. She was terrific with Charlie, and could nurture her in ways Grady and I had always struggled to.
But it didn’t lessen the sting when she said she preferred being with them to me sometimes.
The sound of Charlie’s squeal caught my attention, but before I could stop her, she took off running down the aisle and disappeared around the corner.
“Charlie!” I called, chasing after her, but she didn’t listen. “Goddammit.”
I picked up speed, nearly colliding with another cart as I tried to slip past. “Watch it!” someone muttered, but I didn’t pay them any mind. I grabbed my purse from the child seat and left everything else behind.
“Charlie? Charlie!” My voice rose when she didn’t answer me. Rationally, I knew she was safe. The Shop ‘N Save was small. A bell rang every time someone entered or left. It waslikely that she saw a friend from school and had just gone to say hello or something. It didn’t matter what I told myself. None of it worked to calm my fears, especially when she wouldn’t stop and answer me.
I could just make out the color of her scrunchie as she disappeared behind the last aisle, her little hand waving at someone down the way. “Char?—”