Bex would be so proud. She saw her son bond with his half-siblings before she died, and I hope that gave her some peace. But seeing them now, acting like the one dynamic family they are, makes it hit home. They love one another, even the faults. And as their father, I can’t ask any more of them.
***
The following morning, I pack for the trip home, well, throw my few belongings into the small case I brought. At eight o’clock, I’m standing outside my sons’ temporary home, holding each boy in a bear hug, not wanting to let go. But I do. One hug each, then I step away and let them enjoy their summer.
“Call me,” is my parting shot over my shoulder as I climb into the taxi.
Ollie waves and is already turning away, heading back inside, no doubt to finish his breakfast. Liam stands, watching the taxi pull away. Minutes later, his text arrives, sweet and unexpected.
Text when you get home, Dad.
The journey home is quiet, the hours on the plane bleeding together one US sitcom at a time. Every so often, the tranquility is interrupted by a baby’s cry or a toddler wandering the aisle with a frustrated mother. But mostly, it’s just me and the television. Loneliness on steroids.
Back home, I unlock my front door and walk into even more silence. My house, which used to be full of laughter and young voices, is now nothing but the sound of my own shoes. This is the quiet Amy warned me about.
After dumping my suitcase by the front door, I immediately go to my room and retrieve the box from the wardrobe. The one containing all the ideas and wants of how I could honor my wife. With everything laid out on the bed, I spend hours trawling through the scribbles and scrambled thoughts.
There are more questions than answers. More problems than issues solved.
But it’s in this moment that I know I’ve found my purpose, that this summer won’t just be me wallowing in loneliness. I’ll use it for something positive. I pull the black pen from the bedside drawer, then turn over the box lid.
The Bex Corrigan-Jones Retreat.
I write it thick and dark, then return the papers and close the lid. This time, I don’t hide it at the back of the wardrobe.
I set the box on my bedside table, where it will be the first thing I see when I wake.