I took a deep breath. “I lied.”
“You… lied?”
I nodded. “Sarai lost her virginity to that asshole Daniel and I didn’t want to be the last one to fall, so I lied.”
Daisy laughed. “You bitch! You let me think I was the only one.”
I couldn’t help it: I started to laugh too. “Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“And the guys you’ve dated since…?”
I shook my head. “Turns out being a virgin is like having the plague. They all want totalkabout it. They want to get it right. Make sure you’reconsenting. Which is cool, obviously. But…”
“Kind of a buzzkill?”
I sighed. “Exactly. All that talking took me out of the mood and then I’d start second guessing, wondering if it was the right place, the right person even though by that point I really just wanted to be done with it.”
“So now you’re going to lose your virginity to these… Hawks?”
“I guess so.”
“Shit,” Daisy said.
“Yeah.”
“I mean… do you have to?” Daisy asked. “Because that would be…”
“I don’t think so.” I stopped her before she could say the rest. “There are rules though.”
“What kind of rules?”
“I can so no, but I have to mean it.” I took a deep breath. “And I don’t think I could mean it.”
Daisy sat back in her chair and studied me. “You want to lose it with them.”
I nodded. “I know it sounds crazy. I don’t know them at all. Not really. But I’m so tired of carrying it around, so tired of it being a big deal. And the Hawks…” I thought about the way it had felt to have Hawk licking my pussy in the tunnels, the way Vigo’s fingers felt on my clit, the excitement of sucking Jagger’s dick. And then, Jagger’s words that night in his bedroom:there are lots of other ways we can make you come, lots of other toys we can use.“The Hawks know what they’re doing. I think I could do worse. And honestly…”
“Honestly?” Daisy prompted.
“I’m so tired of being the coffee shop girl. I mean, I love the coffee shop. But I want to be more than that, more than Bram’s virgin little sister.”
Daisy’s eyes were filled with sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Cass. I had no idea you felt this way. About any of it. I’ve been a terrible friend, too wrapped up in my own shit to ask if you were really okay.”
“You and Sarai are the best friends I could have asked for. It was never about you. I think I just got used to keeping the serious stuff to myself.”
Because of Bram.
I wasn’t blaming him — he had every reason to be closed off — but I’d been raised by him from the age of ten years old. Of course I’d get used to not talking about the serious stuff.
“That’s understandable,” Daisy said. “But I hope you’ll talk to me now.”
“I will.”
She reached across the table and extended her pinky. “Promise.”
I hooked my pinky with hers. “Promise.”
“Good.”