“You are no soldier.”
My eyes narrow on his profile, still turned away from me. “I’ve done battle before. I’ve taken lives. I’ve fought side by side with your men.”
“That was not the same.”
“What does that mean?”
He is silent for a long beat. “It means I want you safe. You have done enough already. Besides, you have your work at the infirmary to keep you busy. You are needed there, not on the battlefield.”
“Most of our cots are empty. Only a handful of patients from Fyremas remain, and those will soon be discharged. Lestyn and Osain can handle whatever cases of summer croup arise without me.”
“No.”
I rear back at the flat rejection. “No? Just…plainno? We can’t even discuss it?”
“Rhya, please. I did not bring you here to spar.”
“Ah yes, I’m only here to giggle at the fire salamanders like a dim-witted schoolgirl.”
“Skies,”he snarls. “You’re utterly impossible, you know that?”
“Rich, coming from you.”
“Bringing you here was a mistake. I thought I might give you a few hours’ respite from your misery. Foolish of me to try. It won’t happen again.”
“Penn—”
“No. I was right before, to retain some distance between us. I do not have the energy to fight with you, and I do not have time to worry about you meddling in matters that do not concern you.”
My hands plant on my hips as my eyes narrow to slits. My temper is flaring and, with it, my maegic. Air currents charge beneath my skin, struggling to burst forth in an all-consuming vortex despite my attempts to calm the raging storm within.
“Forgive me,” I hiss, my voice cold as the wind that chases away all traces of spring warmth. “I did not realize my continued presence in your city was such a burden.”
“Do not put words in my mouth.”
“I would not need to put words in your mouth if you ever volunteered what you are thinking.”
“You truly want to know?”
“Well, I did not ask the question merely to revel in the sound of my own voice.”
His head turns as he finally looks back at me. When I see his eyes, I realize why he’s been avoiding my gaze. They are so full of emotion and maegic, it steals my breath. His voice is raw.
“I worry about you. Is that what you need to hear?I worry about you.More than my city, more than my citizens, more than the fate of all Anwyvn. Every day, I worry what will happen when Efnysien returns. Every day, I worry that when he does, this time he will succeed in taking you away from me.”
My anger dissolves, swamped by stronger emotions. I try to battle them back, but I am no match for them. “And what do you think I worry about, Pendefyre? My patients? My lack of purpose? My role in Uther’s death? My ruined friendship with Carys? My future as a Remnant? The prophecy? The salvation of our entire realm?” My voice breaks on a brittle laugh. “No. Those are the things Ishouldbe worried about.”
I take a step closer to him. My eyes never shift from his. Myvoice drops to a shattered whisper. “Instead, I worry about you, Penn. I am plagued by visions of you locked away in that ward chamber each night, a man possessed. Killing yourself by giving too much, just like King Vorath. I cannot sleep at night, tossing and turning, wondering where you are. Wondering if you even still live, or if you’ve finally succeeded in what seems to me a suicide mission.”
“I will not repeat Vorath’s mistakes.”
“No?” Tears gloss my eyes. “That is little consolation when I have seen for myself how close to the edge you are walking. When I have pulled you back from the brink with my own two hands.”
“I told you—”
“I don’t care what you told me! Gods, Penn…” One more step brings us face-to-face. My neck cranes to hold his eyes, which are burning with flames that seem to ignite hotter with each word I rasp. “I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot focus on my tasks. I cannot evenbreathe, thinking that you may not. So please, do not speak to me of misplaced priorities. You are not the only one who lacks the luxury of choosing the things they care for, the reasons their heart beats, and the motives for which they want our world rebuilt.”
His expression is a portrait of desperation, though his words are determined. “But I can choose. Idochoose.”