Focused as I am, I don’t see the moment the young lobsterman turns from his task and catches sight of Cupid’s poppy red hull cutting through the gentle swells. I don’t see the way his face goes pale with recognition, or how his fingers fumble with the bait-bag he’s holding. I don’t hear the whoosh of air that leaves his lungs, or realize I’ve just set in motion a sequence of events that will change both our destines forever.
I’m far too focused on dinner.
FOUR
archer
She’s back.
The words replay on a constant loop, driving everything else from my head. Since I saw Jo out sailing last week, I’ve thought of nothing else. I can’t eat, I barely sleep. Even whiskey can’t drown her out. It’s enough to drive a man mad.
The minute I saw the small red sailboat, I knew. Even before I read the name Cupid in golden letters on the hull. Even before my eyes moved up to take in the blond hair whipping in the wind, the slim shoulders wrapped in a thin cotton sweater, the small hand so confidently steering the tiller. Even before I felt my stomach hit the deck like a lump of lead.
She’s finally back.
For a ludicrous moment, I wanted to go to her. To rip the wheel from Tommy’s arthritic grip, blast the throttle into full gear, and chase her across the ocean before she vanished from my line of sight. But the cold reality of my situation soon slammed into me like a sucker punch.
If I went to her, what the fuck would I say?
There’s no way to make up for what I did last summer. The things I wrote in that note… the way I twisted the truth into an ugly lie designed to tear her apart…
I shudder at the memory.
With a few reckless words, I made her believe she meant nothing to me. Thatwemeant nothing to me. A misguided hookup, better forgotten.
She must think I’m a monster.
Hell, Iama monster.
I shattered us worse than the bones in my wrist. No amount of time or space can heal that kind of damage. And if there’s one thing I know about Josephine Valentine… the girl holds a grudge. She’ll never forgive me. Even if I try to explain, to rationalize my thought process that fateful day when my world fell apart. Even if I tell her how Blair and Vincent backed me into a corner with their threats of jail time and family ruin.
Even if…
Even if…
Even if…
Evens and ifs are nothing but a fool’s mirage, offering optimism where there is none. I find a shred of consolation in the knowledge that my parents are safe and financially secure thanks to the choices I made… but that does little to temper the agony of my own reality.
No scholarship.
No baseball.
No college.
No prospects.
Can you really picture Josephine in that future with you?Jo’s mother Blair asked with such perfect bluntness, staring at me across a fluorescent-lit hospital room.Do you really think she’d want you like this?
You have nothing to offer,her father told me, staring at the cold metal handcuffs on my wrists.You can’t elevate her to the heights she deserves. You will only bring her down, into a life of misery and despair. And, eventually… she will hate you for it.
Looking at myself now — the depths to which I have fallen — I can’t help thinking they were right. The old Archer is dead and buried, his dreams with him.
Rest in Peace, you useless fuck.
I was once dumb enough to hope that if I simply worked hard enough, got good enough, pushed far enough… I’d finally be worthy of standing by Josephine Valentine’s side. Not only as her friend, but as her equal. As a man she’d be proud to call her husband, one day.
That foolish hope evaporated the minute my truck flipped in that intersection.