“No future for you? I call bullshit,” Chloe mutters. “I want to know whatwork opportunityis worth leaving me behind to go to Switzerland, of all places. God, didn’t you get enough during your boarding school years? How many milkmaids can you possibly nail before the allure wears off?”
Carter ignores the question, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. “You act like I’m conspiring against you, Chloe. This isn’t personal. It’s—”
“Business?” I mutter darkly, unable to stop myself.
His eyes cut to mine, brow furrowed. He doesn’t say a word.
I scan his face, trying desperately to read his thoughts, but they’re indecipherable to me. Whatever he’s thinking, whatever he’s feeling right now… whether he’s actually serious about this new business endeavor that will take him out of the castle, out of Germania, out of my life…
It’s a total mystery.
“When would you go?” Chloe’s voice is thready. “How soon?”
He blows out a breath. “I’m not going anywhere yet. Not until…”
“Until you’re sure I’m on the sobriety train for good this time?” She snorts. “Don’t change your plans on my account. If you want to leave, by all means… go. I won’t be the reason you miss your shot at a Swiss bank account full of francs. Even if I do think you’ll miss me. And that leaving is idiotic. And that you’ll be bored in, like, three seconds if you actually get a real job like a responsible adult.”
“He’s already a responsible adult,” I blurt without thinking. “Having a job doesn’t make you responsible. Taking care of people when they need you, showing up for them when they’re falling apart — that’s what matters.That’staking responsibility. Not a time clock or a pay stub.”
The air goes still. Everyone is caught off guard by what’s just come out of my mouth — me most of all. My cheeks feel suspiciously red as the words linger out there, unclaimed and uncontested. I don’t know what to say or where to look.
Say something.
Say anything.
But I can’t seem to find any more words. The thought of Carter moving away, of him being out of my life completely, is oddly paralyzing. It shouldn’t be. After all, I’ve spent the past three months without him.
If I’m honest with myself, though, in the back of my mind I always knew our paths would cross again. That, someday, we’d end up back here — our orbits overlapping once more. I never once considered he might remove himself permanently. That…
I might really lose him.
For good, this time.
“Right.” Chloe clears her throat a little awkwardly, finally breaking the silence. She plops down on the bed beside me. “See, Carter? Emilia doesn’t think you should abandon us for Switzerland, either.”
“Doesn’t she?” he asks, soft as a prayer. “I wasn’t aware she gave a fuck.”
“Of course I give a fuck,” I whisper, barely audible.
He scoffs. “News to me.”
My pulse is pounding at my temples, a mad tattoo. My heart is lodged inside my throat. I swallow uselessly against it and hope like hell my words come out even.
“As someone with very little say in her own future, I’m the last person who would ever suggest someone stay on a path they no longer want to be on.”
“So you think I should go?”
When he asks the question, I glance up to meet his eyes and find they’re locked on my face, studying my expression with rattling intensity.
“I think…” I drift off. My thoughts are at war, my heart a tangled mess of contradictory emotions. I know I should tell him to go; it would be better for both of us, in the long run. Having a healthy amount of distance between us. A national border, no less.
Go,I should say.Get away from this crazy life. Forge something new for yourself, with a girl who’s capable of loving you back the way you deserve to be loved. A normal girl who can walk with you in public, hold your hand, kiss your lips, go on dates.
But the words he spoke two weeks ago are still haunting me. Making me hesitate.
Maybe you should ask yourself why the thought of missing your shot at love doesn’t terrify you just as badly as losing the actual person you love.
If I continue holding him at arm’s length… if I push him away again… This time, he’s going to walk away. For good. And that knowledge is enough to make every atom in my body ache like I’ve been thrown down a flight of stairs.