Eventually,I cry myself out.
The grief is still there, filling me up from the inside until I’m barely able to pull breath into my lungs, but my eyes physically refuse to produce any more tears. A valve has been shut off, leaving my swollen eyes dry for the first time in hours.
Chloe and Carter are still here — one on either side of my bed, watching me with wary eyes. Neither of them speaks. I wonder if it’s because they’re afraid they’ll set me off again.
Clearing my throat, I strive for a level tone. I almost succeed.
“How many?”
Chloe’s mouth opens, but it’s Carter who answers. His voice is stripped bare, giving me straight facts. As if he knows displaying any emotion at all will be enough to send me over the edge.
“Thirty-seven dead. They expect that number will rise. A lot of people made it to the hospital, but the gravity of their wounds…” His Adam’s apple bobs roughly. “It’s likely more will die.”
I crane my head back, trying desperately to breathe. “Children?”
He pauses. His voice is thick as he chokes out the number. “Twelve at last count.”
God.
No.
No.
No.
Pain lances through me, a dagger straight to my heart. I take a moment to gather my composure before I’m able to meet Carter’s eyes again. “Do they know who did this? And why?”
He shoots a look at his sister, hesitating.
My pulse begins to pound. I glance at Chloe and find her pretty features twisted into a mask of dread. She avoids my eyes.
“Just tell me.”
“E… this is a lot for one day.” Her voice is shaky. “You have a mild concussion, plus other injuries from the shrapnel. You’re still recovering. We just don’t want to overload you with too much…”
I look back at Carter. “You know I’ll find out eventually. I’d rather hear it from you than read it in some newspaper on tomorrow’s front page.”
He sucks in a sharp breath, then nods. “The bomb squad is still sifting through the wreckage, but they believe the truck was packed with C-4. Enough to blast half a city block. If you’d been even a few feet closer to that stage when it detonated…”
“I’d be dead, too. Just like all those innocent people.” I shake my head. “I cannot understand why someone would do something so terrible. That crowd was full of first responders, families, firefighters… Good people. They didn’t deserve this. It doesn’t make any sense. Who would target Germania’s heroes? What possible reason could they have?”
Carter’s eyes fill with remorse. “Emilia…”
My brows lift.
“The men with the bombs. They weren’t targeting the crowd. It’s more likely that…” He pulls in another breath, bracing himself against the next words. “They were targeting you.”
“Me,” I echo stupidly. “No… No, that’s not possible.” I shake my head, faster and faster, feeling myself begin to spiral again. “No!No. That can’t be true. Carter, tell me it’s not true.”
His jaw locks. His hands curl around the arms of his chair so tight, his knuckles turn white.
“E…” Chloe whispers, weeping steadily. “Oh, honey…”
“It can’t be true,” I say again, feeling everything I thought I knew splinter into pieces. “Because if it is… I killed them. I killed all those people.”
Carter’s voice is tight. “That’s not true, Emilia.”
“It is, though!” The tears are flowing again. I don’t even bother to brush them away. “If I hadn’t been there, the ceremony wouldn’t have been a target… and all those people would still be alive. They’d be home with their kids, tucked in bed, instead of… of… of lying in a m-m-morgue somewhere blown to p-p-pieces.”
My words choke off into gasps, then my gasps into sobs. Closing my eyes, I fall back against my pillows and let the pain take over. All the while, three little words play in my head over and over, haunting me like a melody I’ll never forget.
You killed them.
You killed them.
You killed them.