The words are there, on the tip of my tongue, blocking my airway.
Do I want to be with you?
Of course I want to be with you. You’re all I think about, you’re all I hope for in this life. You occupy my heart and my mind like no one else.
Do I want to be with you?
You ask that question like it is, somehow, a question at all. As though we are not already intrinsically linked, irrevocably tied together in my soul. Not question, but fact.
Do I want to be with you?
Does the sea want to break upon the shore? Do the mountains want to brush against the sky?
I could no more easily separate my heart from yours than I could divide the very earth into halves, flung in opposite directions across the universe.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” I say instead, feeling hollow.
“Of course it fucking matters!” he roars, looking like he wants to shake me senseless. “It matters more than anything, Emilia. And if you want to be with me… if there’s any way for us to be together… I will find it. Even if it destroys me, I will find it.”
That’s the exact problem, though. Isn’t it?
Love isn’t supposed to destroy you.
If it does… How can it be love?
He stands there, waiting for my answer.
I stand there, breaking — breaking into pieces. Being torn to shreds by conflicting desires. They tear at me with razor-sharp claws, and I cannot even lift my hands to defend myself.
“You said you’d give me an answer.” His eyes are ruthless, holding mine without reprieve. “Tell me the damn truth, Emilia. Tell me you want to fight for us. Otherwise… I’m walking away.”
I want to believe him. I want to believe him so desperately, I’m almost able to overlook reality for a moment. Almost able to convince myself that our being together will end in anything but heartbreak and misery for the both of us.
Almost.
The truth is, we are strapped to a rollercoaster on a predetermined track. There is no diverting our course, no changing our destination. The only option that might spare us the wreckage of that ride is getting off altogether and going our separate ways.
Perhaps, if I didn’t care about him so much, I wouldn’t care about the endgame. I’d take the ride and let it wreck me, just to experience that momentary thrill of being with him. I’d hurt myself a million times over, for a chance to stay by his side for a little while.
But I refuse to bring Carter down with me.
Across the narrow space remaining between us, I look at him.
Really look at him.
Beneath the arrogant exterior, beneath the cocky asshole he shows the world… Carter Thorne possesses a heart capable of deep love. He doesn’t let anyone see it. Hell, he may not even realize himself, yet. ButIcan see it, clear as day. Just as I can see how much pain this is causing him already. How much painI’mcausing him.
We can’t keep going round and round in circles. Hating each other one minute, devouring each other the next. I cannot fall back into his arms and give him my body while withholding everything else. Not now that there are real feelings involved. Not when we are predestined to fail.
It’s cruel — not just to his heart, but to mine as well. And I won’t do it anymore. I care about him too much. I care about him enough to cut him off completely.
His words linger in the air like a specter.
Do you want to be with me?
Closing my eyes so I don’t have to see the look on his face, I make my voice as steady as possible before I say the words I know I’ll never be able to take back.
“No, Carter. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to fight for us. I don’t think we’re worth fighting for.”
Turning my back on him, I walk off the turret and disappear into the dark stairwell before he can see the tears welling in my eyes. I nearly break my neck descending down the uneven spiral steps to the castle in pitch blackness, but I don’t stop.
Who gives a shit about a few broken bones when the heart inside your chest has shattered into irreparable pieces?