“Why did you want to come up here so badly?”
“I told you,” I whisper, sounding nervous for no reason at all. I needed air.”
He takes another step. There’s only a half-dozen of them left between us, now.
“I haven’t been sleeping well,” I add. “Which you know. Obviously. Since I’ve been keeping you up every night.”
He takes another slow step.
“I’m sorry for that, by the way. I don’t think I ever apologized…”
One more step. He’s only four feet away now.
“If I could stop, I would.” My laugh sounds forced even to my own ears. “I know it’s probably annoying for you to deal with, but it’s not particularly enjoyable for me either, trust me—”
“Emilia.”
“Mmm?”
“You don’t have to apologize for things that are out of your control.”
“Oh.” I suck my bottom lip into my mouth and start to chew on it, wishing I could catch my breath. “Okay.”
Carter takes another step, bringing us within arm’s length. His eyes never shift from mine. I want to look away, to break the connection, but I can’t. I am drowning in a deep blue sea, unable to resurface.
“Why are you really up here?” he murmurs. The question is soft and sharp at the same time.
“I told you—”
“You lied.”
“I didn’t!”
“Omitted, then.” He leans forward and my whole world goes still. I am unraveling, second by second, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. “Why,Emilia?”
“Because I’m suffocating down there, okay?” I snap, almost at a yell. “In that bedroom, in this life. Because the longer I’m down there, the longer I live as a Lancaster, the longer I dwell on my future… the more those walls seem to press in on me. And I can’t breathe!I can’t breathe, Carter.”
I shake my head, trying to get a grip on my emotions before I have a full breakdown in front of him. Despite my efforts, I can feel the tears starting to gloss over my eyes. I tell myself it’s from the wind, not the pit of despair opening up inside me — the one I’ve been trying so damn hard to keep closed, these past few weeks. The one I’ve forcibly ignored, because I haven’t had the privilege of falling apart. Not with so many eyes watching my every move. Not with so many enemies circling close. Not with the future of an entire country resting squarely on my shoulders.
My voice breaks. “Two months ago, I was a regular girl. Just…Emilia. No titles, no expectations. Just a college student with purple hair and straightforward plan for the future. But now…” I tilt my head up at the stars to keep from crying. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even recognize the girl looking out through my eyes in the mirror. I’m holding myself together with staples and glue, but every day those rips get a little wider and another piece of the person I used to be tears off and blows away. Soon, there wont be anything left except shiny new pieces that Simms and Lady Morrell seem determined to cobble together into the shape of a proper princess.”
Carter is watching me intently, but his expression reveals nothing. Not one ounce of compassion or understanding. Not the faintest flicker of anything resembling human emotion. Like everything else on this turret, he is made of unbreakable stone. He is a cold, winter wind. He is a plummeting fall from unforgiving heights.
“Is that what you wanted to hear?” I ask, bitter notes filling the cracks in my voice. A tear streaks down my cheek. “Are you happy now, Carter?”
“Am I happy?” His tone is as bitter as mine. Maybe more so. “You’re really fucking asking me that?”
“Yes, I’mreally fucking asking youthat! How would I know otherwise? It’s not like you ever speak to me or look at me or even acknowledge that I exist unless it’s to stop me from screaming bloody murder at three in the morning!”
His face is a mask of dark fury. “And why is that, Emilia? Why is it that we can’t be civil? Why is it that I can’t even look at my new stepsister for too long without wanting to punch a hole in something?” He advances another step. We’re nearly chest to chest, now. “I think you know.”
“I— I—” I break off, unable to contradict him. Unable to think with him this close to me, invading my space, glaring at me like he wants to throw me off the top of this turret. “I know this is— I just—”
“Youwhat, Emilia?”
The truth is, he’s right. I do know — I know exactly why things are this way between us. I remember every vivid detail of the night that altered our relationship forever.
“Look, do you think this is easy for me?” I blink rapidly, trying to hold the tears at bay. “Do you think I like the way things are between us? Do you think I don’t regret—” I bite off the rest of my words.